Trailer Trash - American Pie Reunion

(Link to Trailer)

The original American Pie was released in theaters a little over twelve years ago. Feel old? I know I do. I remember when it came out and everyone went bat-shit over how hysterically funny it was and declared it the official comedy of Generation Y, and they held a ceremony in Washington DC to commemorate the occasion. At least that's what I was told by former President Bill Clinton yesterday. Personally, I was never a huge fan of any of the American Pie movies, because all of the American Pie movies suck. Don't agree with me? Go watch them again. And make sure you watch them using your 2011 brain. You will want to build a time machine, go back to 1999, and break a lamp over younger-you's head. Trust me. Ask younger me. And ask that broken lamp over there...

But rest assured - there's a new American Pie movie coming out, and holy shit, does it look awful! Hey look, the whole gang is back - Jim, the pale kid who has diarrhea, Tara Reid's corpse propped up as a marionette doll (I assume this how they achieve such realism, since Tara Reid is dead, isn't she?), and of course, the crown jewel of this masterpiece, the timeless Stifler. OMG HOW HILARIOUS IS STIFLER?? Look at him over there sexually harassing women and banging out shots with his bros, he fucking rocks!!!

(Chugs Drano)

And look who else showed up, Mena Suvari, who isn't dead! Call off the hounds, everyone!

Also, the kid from Rookie of the Year is back, thank God! How could they make another one of these movies without the giant pussy glue that holds the gang together? And this isn't a real reunion without Chris Klein, for shits sake. Let's hope there's another scene featuring Klein singing acapella so I can swallow a shotgun. Wrap it all up with the always consistently unfunny Eugene Levy and Stifler's mom, who must be 65-70 years old at this point and is absolutely repulsive, and you got yourself a...REUNION!!! Surprisingly, Natasha Lyonne is absent, but I'm sure she's far too busy collecting bottles from under the freeway overpass to make it. Scheduling conflict, I'm sure.

Just in case you didn't surmise this already, there is not a shot in hell that I will ever watch this movie. Seriously, I'd rather go to the dentist. And just so you know how much I hate the dentist, I'd rather have that ungrateful and surly bitch cashier from my local bodega throw hot coffee in my face than go to the dentist, so now you know where this movie falls on my list of likes and interests:

1. Scalding hot coffee thrown in my face by bitch cashier
2. Trip to the dentist
3. Watch this terrible movie

Save yourself some braincells - skip this movie and paint your porch instead. All kidding aside, your porch looks like shit. Fret not - there are plenty of morons out there to ensure that this movie does well so we can expect a follow up American Reunion in 12 years, because apparently the high school they attended can't count decades or holds the illustrious 12 Year Reunion instead of the BOR-ING 10 year reunion that all of us commoners are used to.