HEROIN IS SAFER THAN FANTASY SPORTS - SAYS FDA*

I have never used heroin nor will I ever use heroin. Well, I guess I really can’t say I’ll NEVER use heroin – life is, after all, a series of ups and downs and ins and outs and you really never know where you’re going to end up. One day I could be here, at my computer desk changing the world with my indelible prose, and tomorrow I could be panhandling outside Yankee Stadium, selling fake plastic roses to terrified tourists so I can go buy a couple of snack wrappers from McD’s and a small bag of black tar. So I guess I should say, I never PLAN on using heroin. There, that’s better.

But I like to imagine that an addiction to fantasy sports is a lot like being addicted to heroin. Again, I have no basis for this, because I am stupid and I have a misguided view of crippling addiction versus a general hobby, but oh well. Still, the fact remains that similar to intravenous drug abuse, fantasy sports are time-consuming recreational activities, can cost a ton of money, and for the most part, inevitably leave you naked and dead underneath a highway overpass yearning for more.

“Heroin = Fantasy Sports” – Sigmund Freud

Most of my friends have a serious love/hate relationship with fantasy sports. I am no stranger to this volatile bond. One minute I am absolutely adoring my team and telling my mom about how awesome Jason Heyward is going to be, and the next, I want to punch my team so hard in the face and start watching "The Voice." Because unlike other "things" we "do" for "fun", emotions surrounding fantasy sports tend to linger long after you’ve closed your browser and gone back to eating that delicious cheeseburger. It’s just so easy to get caught up in the fantasy aspect of the game. It is, after all, a fantasy. And who doesn't love pretending to be the head honcho of a sports franchise?

But that's as far as the fantasy goes for me--I have no daydreams of being a successful real-life general manager. Unlike delusional egotistical assholes of the Bill Simmons variety, most people aren’t versed in law and the serious intricacies of business relationships, and wouldn’t have the faintest idea how to GM a real sports franchise. Even the shittiest active General Manager in all of sports is still at least a million times better than me or you or your momma. If I were appointed General Manager of the New York Jets, within in seven minutes, the stadium would be a pile of burnt tinder and the team's PR group would be preparing a statement highlighting the franchise's plans to move to Anchorage. Sure, when considering a team like that Jets, these results would probably be beneficial to the franchise, but still, not the most effective or PR friendly moves.

So, it stays a fantasy. But still, when the fantasy is good, it's good. With fantasy sports, you are a motherfucking G to the tenth degree. Anyone on your roster fucks up? How about you, Lucas Duda? Hitting .193 in May? YOU ARE CUT. No severance, no guaranteed money. CUT, BITCH. Now get the fuck out of my office. There aren't many more satisfying things then finally cutting an under-performing player, and then watching him suck even more on the waivers. Good riddance.

Obviously, the flip-side to these wonderful and not at all masochistic aspects of the game is the misery that comes along with sucking at it. I am halfway decent at fantasy football (Two championships and two 2nd place finishes in the last three years in two leagues--NO BIG DEAL) because head-to-head is mostly luck so it’s much easier to be successful. But rotisserie baseball? Holy shit - I am terrible. Within seven seconds of the season beginning, I am in last place, and that’s where I stay there for six months. Everyone makes fun of me and I pretend that I don’t care but I do care. I fucking care so much. Because I want to win so badly. Just once. I wouldn’t care about losing forever if I just got that one goddamn championship.

To take a direct quote from a recent email I received from a friend of mine: I fucking hate fantasy baseball and hate myself for doing it every year. But I just want to win once!!!

And that’s what it’s all about--winning. Just win once. Just win once and take my money forever and ever. The pain of being in 8th place for 10 years straight will go away instantaneously once I get that elusive trophy. And those three months where I am the reigning champ and I get to ram it down everyone’s throat– incalculable satisfaction. "Yeah, fuck you, son--THE CHAMP IS HERE. Maybe you should quit fantasy baseball and go do something that will give you some pleasure – heroin maybe? I heard Sigmund Freud got down with the China White, and since you’re an egghead like him, I think you might enjoy it. Now get the fuck off my message board before I lock your ass out, sucka!!"


To follow @NotRyanAdam on Twitter click here