Even though this clip makes me miss "The Sopranos" a whole lot, I can still watch this scene on a constant loop for ten hours straight.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Rehash
Even though this clip makes me miss "The Sopranos" a whole lot, I can still watch this scene on a constant loop for ten hours straight.
I HATE THE ROCKEFELLER CENTER TREE LIGHTING
What can I say besides I hate this day so much because it's horrible and stupid. And I think I speak for everyone who works in the vicinity of Rock Center when I say that this is one of the most absurd traditions us fat Americans have cultivated and turned into a
Obviously, there are people who will say that I am a Scrooge for not liking the tree lighting ceremony, but I assure you, these people are idiots. In fact, I LOVE Christmas. I go bat-shit over Christmas. If Christmas were a stray dog I would adopt it and feed it boiled chicken and pumpkin because pumpkin is good for a dog's fur. I love Christmas so much that I want to paint my face like candy cane and wear elf ears and a build snowmen until I die of exhaustion. I love Christmas movies and Christmas songs and Christmas food and even goddamn Christmas caroling. Want to go caroling? I'll go caroling right fucking now. Let's go carol everywhere until someone shoots us in the head with a shotgun for trespassing on their property.
And I don't know why I love this season so much, considering it increases stress levels by roughly 6,000%. Maybe it's because these precious few weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day make me forget that humanity is fucked and gives me hope that maybe one day we will all dance around Douglas-firs and give each other gifts and not be greedy fat assholes who try to undercut and back-stab everyone we know 24/7/365.
But the tree lighting? Nope, sorry. There is nothing magical about plopping a giant tree in Midtown so that the city can shutdown every street within a 500 block vicinity so a bunch of Midwesterners (who no doubt have much better-looking trees in their own backyards) can flock to Rock Center to watch a stupid tree get lit up with 9,000,000 tiny bulbs and then take their fat and shitty kids to the Nintendo store. How about taking them to the exercise store? It's called OUTSIDE.
I really don't understand the lore, and I'm being 100% serious. Not one person looks happy to be there - everyone looks genuinely pissed off. Every mom is hitting her kids for wanting more Pepsi and every dad is wishing he had a pint of moonshine to drink and every kid wishes he was at home playing "Call of Duty." Everyone would rather be doing something else and yet, here there are, standing in the cold wearing a Santa hat.
The whole accompanying entertainment really isn't that impressive, either. Neil Patrick Harris is really wearing thin his delegation as America's Gala Hosting Darling, and every celebrity in attendance is covering a classic Christmas song poorly, no doubt driving my mother into fits because GODDAMMIT THEY ARE NOT NAT KING COLE. And then there's Tony Bennet. Jesus Christ, he is old. Trotting him out there is not adorable, it's horrifying.
But just in case you are still on the fence, here is a quick quiz to help you decide whether or not tonight's festivities are for you.
- Do you like smelling the body odor of European men with weird mustaches?
- Do you like being pinned against police barricades by a 400 lb pound woman who's using a baby-stroller as a weapon?
- Do you like having security guards scream in your face to move off the corner because you are blocking traffic, even though you have nowhere else to go because your other option is to be crushed against a police barricade?
- Do you like being goosed by homeless men wearing Santa Claus outfits that look and smell like they've been rolling around the dead fish section of the dump?
If you answer 'yes' to any of these, then the tree lighting is the place for you.
And just in case I've derailed your plans for tonight, here is an alternate set for you and yours to follow for a guaranteed exciting night: go to the liquor store, buy a bottle of whiskey, drink the whiskey, go to a highway overpass, light a garbage can fire, sing doo-wop with bums, drink some toilet wine, get in a fist fight with a guy name Rascal over who was cooler McQueen or Newman, call a cab, go home, go to bed. There, a guaranteed recipe for a better and more memorable night than standing in front of a stupid tree.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Hate Parade - Bad Meeting Places
This morning I spent half of my commute wishing I had a time machine so I could go back in time to last Thursday and pour mashed potatoes and gravy all over my hair and face (again), and the other half wishing everyone would stop fucking complaining about how much they ate on Thanksgiving, and just be thankful that they had food to eat and didn't spend the day working a twenty hour shift for three pennies making shoelaces in a Pakistani sweatshop. Wah wah wah, so what, you ate a lot, stop declaring to the world your insecurities and go do pilates or whatever quietly and stop fishing for fucking compliments on Facebook.
Amazon Review: Purdey Wool Shooter Vest
I like to write reviews for stupid shit being sold on Amazon. I don't have a real reason why I do this, it's just something I do. Like eating radishes.
Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago.
Link to my Amazon Review
Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago.
Link to my Amazon Review
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving!
The Best Kind of Turkey
In between shoveling mouthfuls of food down your throat and bad-mouthing your Uncle for having another Jack on the rocks minus the rocks - hopefully you will take a few minutes to look around at your surroundings and just be thankful. Thankful you are not living in a hut in Peru that is buried underneath nine feet of mud. Thankful you are not living in the Sudan eating dirt for dinner and dodging the refrigerators rebels are tossing out of the airplanes flying overhead. Thankful you are not all alone in some shitty apartment playing trumpet for your audience of NO ONE. Depressed yet? I sure am! Who else wants a nice pint glass full of grain alcohol and turpentine to dull that guilty feeling?
What I guess I'm saying is, life could always be worse, right? If you're reading this, you have the internet. Be thankful that you have the internet. I know I am. When my internet goes down, I break out in hives and vomit. Maybe that's because of all the time I spent near that drum of toxic waste we found buried in the woods, but I don't know. Anyway, I'm getting off topic here - weird! My point is, maybe we can all be content for a day. Just one day. But content in a good way, not in a smug, horrible way, like the way your ex-girlfriend used to act when she gained the upper-hand in an argument about who was more drunk the night before. Wasn't she the worst? I meant to tell you years ago how much we all hated Susan. Good job on getting rid of her. She was a real bitch.
So yeah, have a great holiday. And hopefully, you have Friday off, so you can spend some time lying in bed disappointed in yourself for eating yourself to sleep like a dog. That's always fun. You wake up and feel like you swallowed a truck tire. Oh, holidays, so much fun!
Now pass the goddamn cranberry sauce before fat Cousin Josie over there gets her hands on it. I think she steals it and puts it into her pockets. Gross.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Amazon Review - Competition Mannequin Head
I like to write reviews for stupid shit being sold on Amazon. I don't have a real reason why I do this, it's just something I do. Like eating radishes.
Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago.
Link To My Review
Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago.
Link To My Review
Monday, November 21, 2011
Hate Parade - Exotic Animal Owners
Charla Nash was on The TODAY Show this morning. Never heard of her? Well, DO NOT GOOGLE HER. I'm not kidding - your eyes will be violated in a way that you will never be able to recover from. Trust me, I know from experience. You see, I have the willpower of a three-year-old, and I Google everything that people tell me to NEVER to Google. Then, after I finish hating myself, I tell everyone around me that I Googled something repulsive, and subsequently they all think I'm insane. But honestly, I just can't help it. I assume this is what heroin addiction feels like - the inability to not look at terrible images. Same thing right? Anyway, it's a horrible, horrible way to live. But since I'm such a nice person, I'll save you the trouble of finding out who Nash is on your own.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Hate Parade: Shoeless Joe A*shole
People perform some disgusting acts while riding New York City's public transportation system. But who can blame them? Well, since you asked, I guess I can. I can blame them, actually. That's sort of what I'm doing here - blaming these people for being savages. Because seriously, who hasn't seen someone eating, drinking, smoking, crying, cutting their toenails, eating more food, singing, picking their nose, talking on the phone to someone who I assume is hard of hearing, and/or vomiting? It's gross. Have some discipline, morons, your horrible smelling food will still smell horrible in ten minutes when you get back to that shithole apartment you call home. But nooooo, that's too much to ask, isn't it? ISN'T IT?! So instead I/we am/are forced to be within three feet of your chewing and grunting. You are awful. Just, just awful...
But disrobing? Not so much. Not so much, that is, until last night.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Hate Parade - Plastic Packages of Death
A few weeks ago, I went on a trip. HOW EXCITING! In our absence, my wife decided she would like to have our lights put on timers to fool all of the bad guys who are trying to rob our house and steal my Playstation 3 (obvs). I asked her if she had ever heard of a little movie called "Home Alone" because, if the Wet Bandits could figure out that houses are on timers and an entire fucking neighborhood went on vacation all at once, then I assume any half-ass real-life criminal could too. She stared at me blankly and walked away. Guess she's never seen it.
Amazon Review - MilSimX M4 Assault Rifle
I like to write reviews for stupid shit being sold on Amazon. I don't have a real reason why I do this, it's just something I do. Like eating radishes.
Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago.
Link To My Amazon Review
Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago.
Link To My Amazon Review
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Amazon Review - Swiss Rail Journey 1 [VHS]
I like to write reviews for stupid shit being sold on Amazon. I don't have a real reason why I do this, it's just something I do. Like eating radishes.
Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago.
Link to My Amazon Review
Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago.
Link to My Amazon Review
Rewind: Continuing Controversy
Over a year ago, I wrote a Hate Parade article about how much I hate pickup trucks. For some reason, this article generated the most hate-induced comments from people. And they are still coming in. How/Why people are reading this article, I have no idea. It's not like I have some loyal following of people who give a shit what I write. But I guess I touched a nerve when I decided to bash pickups. My favorite part of the comments is how one guy thinks I am trying to "rid America" of pickups. Wait, what? I'm flattered you think anyone besides my wife and mom read anything I write, but yeah, that's the stupidest comment in history.
Anyway, I think it's funny how people take things personally, but it is in the spirit of Hate Parade, so I guess, hate the fuck on, Silky.
Here is a link to the article: I Hate Pickup Trucks
Anyway, I think it's funny how people take things personally, but it is in the spirit of Hate Parade, so I guess, hate the fuck on, Silky.
Here is a link to the article: I Hate Pickup Trucks
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I Hate FML
I hate the acronym FML. I hated it when it first became popular. I hated it when people adopted it as a way to state the obvious or be ironic or whatever. And I hate it even more now that it's old and stupid and cliche and been beaten into the ground like a dead horse up shits creek without a pot to piss in avoid it like the plague strong as an ox blah blah blah. Fuck FML.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I Hate Your Feigned Shock at Holiday Music
It's officially the Holiday Season™, Ladies and Gentlemen! Time to start buying tons of shit your friends and family don't need so you can put a monetary value on how much you care about them. Lots and lots of fun to watch the fear and panic in shopper's eyes as they barrel around Macy's at the eleventh hour looking for a belt for their stupid nephew. Here's a piece of advice, lady, your nephew doesn't need a belt. What he needs is a nice fucking smack to the face, because he's a punk.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Amazon Review - Velcro Shearling Dog Coat
I like to write reviews for stupid shit being sold on Amazon. I don't have a real reason why I do this, it's just something I do. Like eating radishes.
Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago.
Link to Amazon Review
Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago.
Link to Amazon Review
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
I Hate You, Metro North
For almost a eighteen months now, I've wanted to write about how much I hate Metro North. Every morning I wake up, am inevitably delayed/angered by my commute, and want to start pounding out a 9,000 word essay on how much Metro North fucking sucks. But most days I would just sit there, staring at a blank screen, because trying to formulate a rant on how much I hate Metro North is like trying to formulate a rant on how much I hate all of my least favorite things on this fucking planet - traffic; sore throats; "Entourage"; terrorism. It's almost impossible to weave together a narrative (not that I ever do, anyway) about something that makes me so angry on a daily basis.
So it's probably best that I jump right into it, because just thinking about Metro North makes me shake with anger, and it's probably better that I get it out of my system before I have stroke and fall over and crack open my head on the lip of my desk.
So, away we go...
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Trailer Trash - American Pie Reunion
The original American Pie was released in theaters a little over twelve years ago. Feel old? I know I do. I remember when it came out and everyone went bat-shit over how hysterically funny it was and declared it the official comedy of Generation Y, and they held a ceremony in Washington DC to commemorate the occasion. At least that's what I was told by former President Bill Clinton yesterday. Personally, I was never a huge fan of any of the American Pie movies, because all of the American Pie movies suck. Don't agree with me? Go watch them again. And make sure you watch them using your 2011 brain. You will want to build a time machine, go back to 1999, and break a lamp over younger-you's head. Trust me. Ask younger me. And ask that broken lamp over there...
