Hate Parade: Alec Baldwin Sucks

Alec Baldwin is a fucking asshole. All of you who think he's great and wonderful and want to high-five him for getting into a confrontation with an American Airlines flight attendant over not switching off his iPad can go fucking shoot yourselves in the face with a cannon. Seriously, imagine if you were on the plane for this carnival? Imagine your fucking life was delayed because Alec-fucking-Baldwin refused to turn off his goddamn iPad? Just thinking about having to spend an extra few minutes on a plane because some surly old celebrity wasn't getting his way makes me want to heave a cinderblock through his windshield.

What do people find awesome about Baldwin's actions? Doesn't anyone care that Baldwin decided to act like he was bigger than everyone else? So what, yeah, the flight attendant was probably a cranky dick too, but at the same time, he's probably being a cranky dick because he has to deal with fuckface celebrities like Baldwin. If my career revolved around assuring the comfort of unappreciative fucks all day, I'd be miserable too.

But maybe I'm missing something, here. Maybe I missed the fucking meeting where we, Joe and Joanna Shitheads, were impressed by someone of status for being a dick. I don't know, I could have missed that meeting while I was too busy hating every fucking entitled piece of shit in Hollywood who fucking skates around any sort of self-accountability. "Yeah Bros, Baldwin is the man, he's so fucking cool. He really stuck it to American Airlines by giving grief to some old dick who probably hates his life because he serves rich people champagne and pretzels. Fuck you AA, LET'S GO DELTA LET'S GO DELTA CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP."

Wait..What?

No. No, all-of-you-who-think-this-way. Baldwin is not cool. As previously stated, he is a fucking asshole. Yeah, you've probably had your issues with flight attendants in the past, and I'm willing to bet part of the issue was the flight attendant being a dick. But take yourself out of your fancy shoes for ten seconds and put yourself in whatever horrible brand is regulation for flight attendants: they have to shuffle a bunch of old-ass people and people with kids and shitty self-absorbed fuckers into their seats within a small allotment of time, or catch shit from their supervisors for failing to do so. If someone came to you work and gave you a hard time about whatever the fuck it is you do, you would probably be a dick right back to them. And it would be justified, as I believe this guy's response was to Baldwin.

One time I was on a plane (WOW WHAT A WAY TO START A STORY) that I think I was going to Puerto Rico. I honestly have can't remember, though - I take so many Valiums before stepping foot into the fuselage that I can barely nod my head when asked if I want a ginger-ale (obviously I do, what the fuck?). So we were getting ready for take-off when some giant fatso with an accent who was sitting behind me started giving the flight attendant shit about wanting to go to the bathroom. Maybe he had diarrhea, maybe he wanted to inhale some model glue, who knows? But mind you, we were TAXIING DOWN THE RUNWAY. But this guy wasn't having any of what the flight attendant was serving, and he pushed his way to the bathroom. I hope he had a stomach virus that ruined his vacation, but that would only happen to me. I guess it wasn't that big of a deal, but at the time, it was really freaky and everyone hated his guy for the rest of the flight. Essentially, fat guy did exactly what Baldwin did, only fat guy was allowed to fly. And it doesn't matter whether one guy fixes plumbing for a living and one guy stars in horribly overrated sketches on "Saturday Night Live" - I still feel the same way about both men, like I wish the bathroom would have exploded, and only Accent Man/Baldwin would be sucked out into the thin air and die, and we land perfectly and everyone claps in jubilation at the heroics of the pilot. Actually, I wish nothing like this ever happens on any flight I ever take. But I do hope both Baldwin and this fat guy suffer through some sort of horrible stomach virus very soon.

People may say I don't know what really happened on the plane. And I will go ahead and immediately disagree with that statement. Because aside from what the public knows, what else is American Airlines hiding about the situation? Did they took him into the galley and beat him with a police baton? Did they steal his fucking wallet? Did they secretly murder Kim Basinger?

(checks obituaries)

Nope, they didn't do any of these things to him. But I can pretty much surmise EXACTLY what happened: The plane was getting ready for departure, Baldwin was playing his stupid fucking game, the dickhead flight attendant gruffly told him to turn that shit off, and Baldwin bucked. That's it. And guess what? He should have turned the fucking thing off. He should have turned it off and shut the fuck up and enjoyed his free goddamn shit up in first class. I bet they were showing a really good movie too, one that doesn't suck and star Meryle Streep as a sex object, because that is gross and I hate that Hollywood treats us all as if we are blind. But noooooo, Baldwin wanted to do things his way.

So my point is, there is no gray area here, dudes. It's just a celebrity wanting to be exempt from the rules, and in the process, acting like an asshole. LIKE DOES NOT START AND STOP AT YOUR FUCKING CONVENIENCE, ALEC, GROW THE FUCK UP.