HEROIN IS SAFER THAN FANTASY SPORTS - SAYS FDA

I had my two fantasy baseball drafts in the last week or so. I feel like I am coming down of a serious glue-huffing high.Read More.

I AM AN AMERICAN AND I DESERVE A BUCKET OF SODA

I like to drink my soda out of a hollowed out Watermelon. And that's okay.Read More.

APPLE SUCKS

If Apple were cult sponsored Kool Aid it would probably fail to kill anyone. And then you would have to bring it to the Apple store and some dip-shit named Taylor would throw some strychnine in it and charge you $400.Read More.

DANCE FADS ARE NOT FUNNY

Dance fads are about as funny as the time your Aunt Belinda crashed her car into the Shop Rite storefront and was in shock trauma for 12 weeks.Read More.

NOBODY NEEDS AN "ENTOURAGE THE MOVIE"

Entourage sucks. Making a movie out of something that sucks is grounds for public lashing.Read More.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Sights

























Walking down 5th Avenue today is like walking down the street in a different dimension where people walk really slow and wear weird clothes and rant about the bible and at the same time carry 4,000 shopping bags around. Wait, who shops in NYC, aside from Europeans? I was under the impression that we were still crawling out of a recession, not waltzing through an economic boom where people flock to Manhattan to spend extra money on overpriced shit and 40% sales tax or whatever it is now. Did I miss something? Also, what are the odds these two clowns speak German?

Morning Playlist: Gang Starr

Monday, December 19, 2011

The Paradigms, Episode 1: Miller's Crossing


I was probably ten or eleven-years-old when I first watched Miller's Crossing. I didn't know who Gabriel Byrne was and I sure as shit didn't know who Albert Finney was. And Marcia Gay Hayden? What are you talking about? Who wants to play GI Joe? Fuck yes, Iet's go play right this second while this weirdo over here talks about Martin Gay Harrison or whoever. Anyway, the point is, the cast of MC movie didn't matter to me. The movie subject alone was enough to instantaneously enthrall me for two straight hours and make me wish I could take a time machine back to 1925 and wear a 50 gallon hat and smoke fourteen thousand packs of unfiltered Lucky Strikes. Because when you're mixing together a big pot of quirky/awesome characters (ie: Byrne's down-on-his-luck drunken mob enforcer who secretly having an affair with the mob bosses lady friend), with people getting beat up and shot all over town, and drive-by's with Tommy guns, and crazy shootouts set to "Danny Boy", you might as well hand me the keys to a 1975 Mustang II and say, "Have at it, you little shit." Christ, I'm lucky my over-sized adolescent head didn't explode.

What's really weird about Miller's Crossing is, I know plenty of people who "claim" to love the Coen Brothers and yet, have never seen this movie. And to those people I say - Stop watching whatever it is you are watching now, and go watch Miller's Crossing. You will thank me later. And if you don't thank me later, then I know that you either have 1) bad taste in movies; or 2) a lack of manners. And I do not fraternize with people who hold either of these qualities. So don't be surprised when I defriend you on Facebook, you jerk. I'M TALKING ABOUT ETHICS, HERE!

IMDB Page Link

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Rehash

Monday, December 12, 2011

Hate Parade: Alec Baldwin Sucks


Alec Baldwin is a fucking asshole. All of you who think he's great and wonderful and want to high-five him for getting into a confrontation with an American Airlines flight attendant over not switching off his iPad can go fucking shoot yourselves in the face with a cannon. Seriously, imagine if you were on the plane for this carnival? Imagine your fucking life was delayed because Alec-fucking-Baldwin refused to turn off his goddamn iPad? Just thinking about having to spend an extra few minutes on a plane because some surly old celebrity wasn't getting his way makes me want to heave a cinderblock through his windshield.

Morning Playlist: Nice & Smooth - No Delayin

Friday, December 9, 2011

Morning Playlist: Kings of Leon - Day Old Blues

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Hate Parade: Being Unaware


If you haven't noticed already (and that's very possible seeing that you failed to recognize my new dope haircut last week, assholes) it's the holiday season here in America, home of the free. And as is tradition with the holiday season, it's time to import lots and lots of oblivious people into an already overcrowded city so they can meander through their days like children entering the enchanted land of Oz. Only this is not Oz. It's Manhattan. And we all have shit to do, morons, so please stop being so fucking obtuse and get your shit together. Maybe people get like this around the holidays because of all the heroin Starbucks is putting into their coffee? Good thing I don't drink Starbucks, because it sucks. Put my own milk and sugar in my coffee? What am I, a PEASANT?

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Morning Playlist: Middle Brother - Blue Eyes

Monday, December 5, 2011

Hate Parade: Lunchtime Food Critics


This is America, right? And as Americans, we have the right to pursue whatever it is that makes us happy. Maybe you like to paint portraits of homeless people eating bell peppers? Well guess what? Paint away! Maybe you like to dress up as Marilyn Monroe and teach kick-boxing classes? Again, have at it! I am in full support of the general population's crazy taste for doing/enjoying weird shit. There's a reason why 200+ years ago a bunch of wig-wearing slave-owners shot each other in the face with muskets from nine feet away and then hacked off their limbs to survive another ten years only to die by scurvy or something equally as horrible - so we can have the right to do all this crazy shit and not give a fuck about one another! USA USA USA!

But one thing I am not in favor of is when people's interests infringe on my God-given right to not fucking want to hear or care about your opinion on anything, ever. Especially food. Even more especially (real thing): lunch food. Lunch is great. I love lunch. I like to each my lunch and read stuff on the internet. I sometimes eat really slow so I can read a lot of articles and giggle and clap my hands while I think about how much fun I am having. I eat and sing in my head and really enjoy my lunch, and this happens mostly when I'M LEFT THE FUCK ALONE.

Amazon Review: Waddell Display Case

Friday, December 2, 2011

Morning Playlist: J.Cole - Rise & Shine

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Morning Playlist: The Black Keys - Everlasting Light