APPLE SUCKS

Guys, we need to talk. Seriously. This is serious shit we need to talk about. Go get your mother and close the door. Ready? You need to stop convincing yourself Apple products are great. They’re not great. They are shit. They are poorly designed pieces of shit created to confirm that we are all just foolish sheep who will do as they are told. In this case – buy shitty and unreliable tech products because they are round and have a sleek, minimalist design.

 I’d like to point out that, as I am writing this, I am thinking about all of the stupid Apple products I own, and how infuriating it is to hate them so much and use them all the time. Forget about being an extremely fortunate young man who has an abundance of technological miracles right at his fingertips--everything should work perfectly. So yeah, I am a sheep too. And I will continue to follow the flock until someone recommends something better. I can't do it on my own. Every time I look up product reviews, I am immediately overwhelmed so I close my internet browser and go hide in my basement. I bet this is how Nell felt in “Nell” when she left the woods. All the user reviews of tech products are either too complicated or someone turn everything into an argument about George W. Bush being an asshole and orchestrating 9/11. I thought we were talking about the Samsung Galaxy?

For the time being, I am stuck with all this amazingly cool and innovative technology. But none of it 'works' right. It starts off working right, and then it just stops. Something goes wrong. Maybe it has something to do with the 900 software updates per day? If you miss one you might as well throw your iPhone into the ocean and become Amish. I don’t even know if you can 'become' Amish – I would assume they make you go through some sort of hazing ritual that forces you to rake-fight with a giant bearded man and then drink cow’s milk from the cow’s udder or something else gross like that. But still – one software update is ignored, the phone is pretty much worthless. And I don’t get why people are making a bigger deal about a product being released before the kinks are worked out. If the kinks need to be worked out – work them out. Isn’t that what makes it “good”? Look, no kinks! Enjoy a healthy technological lifetime of stress-free use! I bet that's why people in Japan are so calm. I bet that in Japan, when they are releasing a new robot that combs your hair, they make sure to work out the kinks before proceeding with their day that includes using a vending machine to buy used underwear. I bet that's what happens.

But I will give credit where credit is due - Apple has one of, if not the best brands in the world. People will line up around the block no matter what Apple decides to release. They could “re-release” the iPhone 3G in “limited quantity” and call it a “collector’s edition” and there would be 9,000 idiots standing outside the Apple store waiting to buy an outdated piece of shit. Again, it shouldn't be about the brand--the quality blows. I’ve gone through five iPods in four years. That is not normal. I understand it’s a relatively insignificant piece of technology that is not-essential to everyday use – but would you buy five cars in four years? I wouldn’t even buy four pairs of jeans in five years. Or belts. I have a belt that I bought at Structure 40 years ago. Structure doesn't exist anymore, but my goddamn belt does. That's a testament to the will and resilience of the American Manufacturing industry (unless the belt was made in Bangladesh, and if so - congrats Bangladesh!)

I’ve resigned to the fact that my iPod will break after minimal wear and tear, it will cost $1 less than retail price to fix it, and so I will have to go out and buy a new one. Oh, and I will have to 'illegally' remove my songs from my iPod because Apple is a bunch of corrupt and greedy assholes who make it nearly impossible to transfer songs between iPods if you’ve imported them via CD’s and not via iTunes. Oh, and speaking of iTunes. What the fuck? What the fuck is going on with iTunes? Fuck iTunes. Who is advising them to keep changing the way it looks? Who’s fucking idea is that? 99% of iTunes users don’t want the fucking interface changed. Leave it the fuck alone so I can impulsively buy songs that I don’t even really like. And for the 1% who care out the aesthetic quality of iTunes, they are probably downloading their music illegally, anyway.

Oh, and Steve Jobs. So, I kind of get why Steve Jobs is revered. I do, I get it. He was an innovator and he made some cool shit. But what I don’t get is why a bunch of strangers were lying around the Apple store after he died, posting notes and writing haikus to their iPads for his ghost to come and read and enjoy. Part of my issue with that fiasco is: A) you didn't know him; and B) judging by the picture painted of Jobs by those closest to him, he probably would have kicked everyone off the property and then slapped a bunch of the gardeners for cutting the grass too short.

In conclusion – fuck Apple. Fuck everything that they stand for as a company. Fuck Steve Jobs and fuck all of you for sanctifying him. And fuck software updates.


Sent from my iPhone 4S