Obviously, I am being facetious. Obviously, everything is going to be just fine. It's just giant sodas that we are (potentially) no longer allowed to buy--that's all. We can still go to Costco and buy 400 gallons of Diet Rite and pour it into a garbage can and then drink the whole garbage can while watching reruns of "The Commish." Nothing is really different. It's not like there is a ban on fun. Most people don't consider drinking enough soda to have a heart attack 'fun' so maybe we can move on and stop acting like the government just banned the internet?
What this law is doing is teaching us a lesson. And that lesson is this: stop being a glutton in public. Stop walking around with a pale full of soda. You don't need all of that soda. No, you're absolutely right, I'm not your mother. But maybe I should be? Maybe I should be your mom because your mom obviously didn't teach you that there are worse things in this world than the inability to buy fountain sodas that are excessively large. Maybe you should go ask a Sudanese refugee who, for most of his/her life, had to not only worry about warlords shooting up their entire village but also worry about lions attacking and eating their friends. Go ask them if they felt violated when Bloomberg said 'no' to gallon-buckets of Mountain Dew.
I, for one, am all for health initiatives that at the same time piss people off. Because nothing is funnier than people barely giving a shit when the MTA fare hikes kicked in (as service continues to slowly swirl in the shit-filled toilet), but people take to the streets with pitchforks when Bloomberg decides it's time to help those who refuse to help themselves. People who have their priorities out of order are funny. And by funny I mean depressing. Oh who cares about getting ripped off by a modern-day monopoly when BIG BROTHER IS TELLING ME HOW TO ENJOY MY SODAS.
Shut up. I don't want to hear it. Seriously, shut the fuck up. Stop telling people that obesity in America wouldn't be so bad if healthy food options were cheaper. That statement is fucking horseshit. I do the food shopping in my house and I promise you that a head of fucking Iceberg lettuce, chicken breast, and some fucking carrots cost a lot less than McDonald's. It's not about the 'prices'--it's about being a fat, entitled, lazy motherfucker. We are fat because we are lazy, not because we are poor and can't afford cucumbers. The cucumbers market isn't blowing the doors off the stock market. But you know full and well that if someone handed you a bunch of ingredients to cook a healthy meal, and also handed you a #2 from McDonald's, many people will choose the latter. And you know what? Fuck them. I don't have any sympathy for them. Yeah, sure, I know, it takes time to prepare food while at the same time balancing your job/recreation/dreams/laundry/karate class. I get it. But if you are going to fill your fucking face with terrible food, you shut the fuck up when some dickhead mayor bands 9,000 ounce sodas. That's the least of your fucking problems, pal.
Look, I'm no health "guru." If someone leaves an unattended box of donuts within 9 miles of my desk, I will hunt it down and I will fucking murder everything inside of it. I love candy and ice cream and shit that is terrible for me. When my wife goes away I pour barbecue sauce all over everything that I eat and I love every second of it. But I also find time to eat and drink all of this shit in moderation. I do not drink 48 oz. cups of soda. This is a good starting point for those people looking to make a little bit of a difference in their daily plight to fit through a turnstile. Start there. Start there and then maybe next, carrots? Once the horrible diarrhea has subsided as your body trying to expel everything vile from inside of you, you'll thank me.
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