I never wanted to eat anything when I was growing up. Come meal time, I wasn't eating a damn thing, and I was going to make sure the whole room knew about my unhappiness by whining until my father would make me go upstairs and sit in the dark. And rightfully so - if I ever have a kid who pulls shit like that, he's sitting outside during dinner, no bargaining. Obviously I ate some things, but they were all terrible. For example, I used to to eat plain hamburgers from McDonald's. What? Who does this to their body voluntarily? You're better off eating from the dumpster out back. I bet homeless people would turn away a plain hamburger from McDonald's because it's so repulsive that starving and dying under an overpass is a better option. Have you ever seen a plain hamburger from McDonald's? It's so gross. Also, I used to eat spaghetti with nothing but melted butter on top. Another exciting night for me, just some good old-fashioned linguini with a pile of Land-O-Lakes on top. I should have been forced to live in a war-torn Sudanese village for a year with nothing to eat but rice while guerrillas aimed machine guns at my face, just so I could come back to the States and appreciate all of the deliciousness that I had right at my stupid little fingertips.
