I Hate You, Metro North

For almost a eighteen months now, I've wanted to write about how much I hate Metro North. Every morning I wake up, am inevitably delayed/angered by my commute, and want to start pounding out a 9,000 word essay on how much Metro North fucking sucks. But most days I would just sit there, staring at a blank screen, because trying to formulate a rant on how much I hate Metro North is like trying to formulate a rant on how much I hate all of my least favorite things on this fucking planet - traffic; sore throats; "Entourage"; terrorism. It's almost impossible to weave together a narrative (not that I ever do, anyway) about something that makes me so angry on a daily basis.

So it's probably best that I jump right into it, because just thinking about Metro North makes me shake with anger, and it's probably better that I get it out of my system before I have stroke and fall over and crack open my head on the lip of my desk.

So, away we go...

Just to give you a little context, there are three main lines of Metro North that run through Westchester & Putnam County and Connecticut - the Hudson, Harlem, and New Haven lines. I take the New Haven Line. To give you a little more context, if the whole Metro North system was a public bathroom, the New Haven line would be the toilet paper. Or the toilet. Or the dead homeless person lying on the floor. Because it's the fucking bane of public transportation. Everything about it is so bad it's almost funny. But when you really sit down and think about it - it's not funny. Ever. Contridicting myself? Fuck it, I can't help it - their ineptitude scrambles my brain. Metro North is a horrible and shitty service run by a bunch of fucking dummies who probably eat puppies and execute their servants for spilling gravy on the good linen.

To start, the New Haven line trains are ALWAYS late. Not even like, oh, 3 or 4 minutes late. I can deal with 3 or 4 minutes. More like a minimum of 5-10. And yeah, that probably doesn't sound like a big deal to someone in India who rides on the roof of a train that goes 140 mph, packed in with 5,600 other people who don't even have shoes to wear. But you know what? I don't live in India. If I did, then I would write a blog about how much I hate riding on the roof of a train wearing no shoes. And I bet if I lived in the UK I would like blood pudding and blog about blood pudding. Same goes for South Korea and eating live squid, or whatever the fuck Oh Dae-Su ate in Old Boy. But I don't live in any of these places. I live in New York. So take context and shove it up your ass, because this is what I'm dealing with.

What isn't helping the punctual problem is the New Haven line trains are old as shit. On the other two lines, the majority of trains - probably 85% of them - are trains that were built post-Jimmy-Carter's-presidency. Most of them are about 10-15 years old tops, and are relatively pleasant to ride. But no, not the New Haven's trains. The majority of these trains were built in the 1970's. Just for reference, how many fucking automobiles do you see on the road built around 1970? Not many. And planes? Would you really feel safe if most of the planes you were flying in were built before you were born, back when people smoked cigarettes on-board and the stewardesses did cocaine with the pilots and then they all landed in LA and had key parties and all that other weird, kinky, 1970's shit that went on in The Ice Storm? No. You would start driving everywhere instead, because at least your car was engineered by someone who was alive when color TV was introduced. And these fucking heaping piles of metal shit probably run 4-6x a day. Makes you feel secure when the train hits a bump and it sounds like the fucking train car is being attacked by King Kong. It's also feels really good on my back, which seizes up and locks because the conductor is speeding and trying to make up for lost time, and we're bouncing around like we're riding a runaway draught wagon.

Want to sit in a seat? Nope, sorry! Try standing up with nothing to hold on to, and while you're at it, shove your crotch into someone's face. They like that. Also, move out of the way for the fucking assholes who are eternally searching for empty seats that do not exist. Hey, lady, if there was a fucking seat anywhere around here, I'm sure it would already be taken. Now go back where you came from because I'm not moving an inch so you can shove your elbow in my face and huff-and-puff when you are unable to fully extend your fat arms and read your fucking 800 page romance novel. You will not be allowed any of my standing space. I worked very hard to carve out this space, and I am not allowing you anywhere near it. Go slip and fall between train cars.

It's almost worse when you do get a seat, because then you will most likely enjoy the sight of someone's ass five inches away from your coffee. Morning bliss, I tell you.

Metro North's service was pretty terrible this summer - late trains daily, short trains during rush hour, fuckface ticket collectors forgetting that they're collecting tickets and making $80K+ a year to do nothing, but acting as if they are being asked to clean the toilets at Lollapalooza instead. But even with all this nonsense going on, nothing will compare to last winter. Oh no. It was the most fucked up shit I have ever witnessed. This was confirmed by the old dude I stand next to on the platform each morning, who has been riding Metro North for 30 years. He said he's never seen service so shitty. It's nice to be part of history.

In December of 2010, the MTA announced a city-wide fare hike, and a 15-20% fare increase for the New Haven line. Fine, whatever, pay your stupid fucking CEO's and VP's and CFO's more cash so they can cheat on their wives in the Hyatt suites instead of the Marriot. But come first snowfall - about a week later - the trains were suspended for almost two days. Work? Sorry. Stay home (and let everyone assume you are home cooking meth in your basement).

And this was only the beginning. I missed five days of work from January-April because trains were systematically canceled every time it snowed. Upon service being restored, commuters were greeted with flyers from the MTA being overly defense about their horrible service instead of apologizing, which would have satisfied me. Honestly, I probably would have accepted the old, "Sorry, customer, our shit is fucked up and we are having a hard time getting it worked out. But hang in there, champ! Rudy Rudy Rudy!"

Instead we received flyers, which had the gall to make mention of their workers...WORKING OVERTIME IN THE FUCKING TRAINYARD, IN THE COLD, IN THE SNOW! OH, YOUR POOR FUCKING MTA WORKERS - HAVING TO BARE THE COLD TEMPERATURES FOR TIME-AND-A-HALF PAY! I FEEL SO FUCKING BAD FOR THE EXTRA MONEY THEY'RE MAKING WHILE I SUFFER AND MISS WORK. I SURE HOPE THEY DON'T CATCH A COLD!

These notices appeared several times over the course of the winter. New Haven Line service would be canceled, and then we would receive a bunch of patronizing flyers, or quarterly-review pamphlets declaring how satisfied people are with the MTA's service...Wait, What??? Who's satisfied? Me? Fuck no, I'm not satisfied, and I'm pretty sure no one is satisfied being 30-40 minutes late everyday and sitting in cars with no heat when it's 9 degrees outside (true story). Who are you conducting this poll with, people who are retired and commuted back in 1963? Children under the age of five? People who live in North Dakota?

Oh man, I loved those little booklets so much. They had all these crazy statistics that declared train service to be on time something like 98% of time. The percentages were so insane that I assumed it was a joke. But it wasn't - it was real. And that's when I saw the caveat that stated:

"Trains will still be considered on time up to 5:59 minutes after their listed arrival time." 

Well now, isn't that fucking convenient for you. I'm glad to hear you are clocking your trains, finding out how late they usually are, and then closing the gap by caveating your time tables with discretionary measures. I hope the person who led that study gets rundown by a fucking carpool full of disgruntled commuters who stopped taking the train because it sucks.

Boss: You're late.
Me: Uh, not really.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Because in order to keep up my promptness, I alotted myself an extra twenty minutes to show up.
Boss: You're fired. Leave now or I'm calling the cops.

And the fun is starting all over again - my train was canceled this morning. We were packed into another re-routed train fifteen minutes later. They said there were "electrical problems", which bodes well for the future, considering our train IS ONE OF THE SIX OR SEVEN BRAND-NEW TRAINS RUNNING ON THE FUCKING NEW HAVEN LINE!

If anyone knows anybody in Maine looking for a farmhand, let them know I am looking for a new career far-the-fuck-away from this crooked, congested, horrible city.