I Hate FML

I hate the acronym FML. I hated it when it first became popular. I hated it when people adopted it as a way to state the obvious or be ironic or whatever. And I hate it even more now that it's old and stupid and cliche and been beaten into the ground like a dead horse up shits creek without a pot to piss in avoid it like the plague strong as an ox blah blah blah. Fuck FML.

Most of the time FML is used to accentuate something that's already an obviously bad situation, but not a "life is fucked" kind of situation. "Broke my hand, FML." No. Not fuck your life. You have a broken hand. Go to the hospital and see a doctor and stop posting on Facebook about how fucked you are. It's not the end of the world. It's a broken hand! It's not like you just found out you only have one week to live, and that one precious week will be spent sitting in traffic on the way to a small town operatic adaptation of Gone With the Wind. If that was what the agenda for your last week on Earth looked like, then yes, absolutely, fuck your life. Your life is fucking fucked, dude. Broken hand? Nope. Sorry.

Another thing I hate about people using the acronym FML is many times it accompanies a terribly ambiguous statement. "Guess I just have bad luck. FML." Why do you have bad luck? Did your spouse leave you for your boss? Did your dog runaway? Did you fall into debt with a Russian drug dealer who is now forcing you to prostitute yourself? Did you shoot someone? If you are going to post these cryptic statements on Facebook, at least have the common goddamn courtesy to fill us all in! Oh, it's none of my business? WRONG. It's sitting there on my fucking Facebook Newsfeed, so yeah, it sort of is my business. You made it my fucking business by sitting down to post it, hoping for sympathy from everyone. But you'll be getting no sympathy from me, no sir. You will only receive angry and judgmental stares directed at your profile picture. NOW TELL ME WHO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED ALREADY, I HAVE OTHER SHIT TO LOOK AT ON THE INTERNET!

In case you haven't "caught my drift" yet, here are a few more situations where I feel FML could be appropriate:

- Bit by a zombie
- Find out your house is haunted
- Struck by hysterical blindness
- Struck by lightning
- Struck by Hulk Hogan in the face
- Burned down your house while drunk
- Lost fantasy championship to guy who throws a football like a girl
- Shit your pants at Six Flags

Everything else is comeback-able (new word alert). So feel free to use this list as a guide when thinking about using the acronym, even though you totally shouldn't ever use it, because I fucking hate it, and that's sort of the point of this post. But if you absolutely need to use FML, refer to the list above first. Thank you.

But seriously, I'd prefer that it goes away. So all of you who still use FML - Stop it. Now. Not later, not tomorrow but NOW. It's no longer funny or hip or a fun way to make light of your situation, because, in fact, it was making your situation sound more dire than it actually was. It also makes you sound like Chicken Little, and instead of finding solutions, Mr/Mrs/Miss/Dr Chicken Little throws up his/her arms and quits anytime his/her day doesn't go as planned. Your coffee is too hot. Your pants have a stain on them. You stepped in dog shit. Your life is not fucked, I assure you. It's dog shit, ever hear of a toilet brush? They can be found in all of your friend's houses and you don't even have to tell them you used it to clean the dog shit off your sneaker. See? Problem solved.

But you know what? The more I sit and think about how fucking shallow some people are, the more I think, yeah, maybe they should cry out FML and curl into a ball and cry. So, moving forward, for all of you out there who insist on attaching the FML acronym to any tiny little problem you encounter on a daily basis, how about instead of posting these little stupid blurbs followed by 'FML', you put "My Interpretation of One's Life Being Fucked" and then put "FML". Because it helps everyone understand that you are a drama queen and everything is fucking fine and you will probably show up for bowling night tomorrow because your eczema is not a really big deal.