It's officially the Holiday Season™, Ladies and Gentlemen! Time to start buying tons of shit your friends and family don't need so you can put a monetary value on how much you care about them. Lots and lots of fun to watch the fear and panic in shopper's eyes as they barrel around Macy's at the eleventh hour looking for a belt for their stupid nephew. Here's a piece of advice, lady, your nephew doesn't need a belt. What he needs is a nice fucking smack to the face, because he's a punk.
But it's all part of the holiday fun - Americans losing their fucking minds when the weather gets cooler and the calendar starts tilting toward December. What I don't understand is: why are people so surprised to hear Christmas music at the mall in early November? It happens every single fucking year. It's not some new marketing tactic. Jingle Bells...in November? GASP. What's next, Easter candy in January? The Jews getting a federal holiday? Communism being taught to our children? WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE AHHHHHHHH !!!
I don't understand what the big uproar is all about - it's not like Target is playing Eazy-E in the children's section. If that happens, then yes, I can totally see why you would be surprised. That completely warrants you to stop everything you're doing, log in to Facebook, and update your status to say, "Holy shit, they are playing 'Deez Nuts' in Toys 'R' Us. Kids are crying, parents are screaming, needless to say, I was shocked! The manager needs to change it now!!!" Or you could let Eazy play, for Christ's sake, because who doesn't like Eazy-E? Your mom doesn't like him? Well, then you mom's lame as shit.
But hearing "The Little Drummer Boy" on November 7th? C'mon. Calm the fuck down. It's better than hearing Harry Connick Jr. or some other department store shit that will get stuck in your head and make you hum it for nine days straight to the annoyance of everyone you know. Besides, people will be much happier hearing you hum Johnny Mathis over the samba version of some Harry Connick Jr. song. Harry Connick Jr. sucks. Ever see Independence Day? Who let that guy become a fighter pilot? No wonder our country got fucking mopped by the Predator alien rip-offs.
How about instead of being facetiously annoyed with store's musical choices, you should be thankful that Target decided to holiday-their-shit-up early this year. It's sort of like they're reminding you to hurry up and buy your mom that present she pretends to like but secretly hates and resents herself for raising such a stupid and inept kid. Get it out of your way now, you will feel much better when the second week in December rolls in and you start to panic because you haven't even thought about shopping yet.
It's all a ruse, anyway - people feign shock in order to convey their sadness over another year gone by. Another year of missed opportunities and nights spent watching reruns of "Family Ties" with your cat. Oh, Alex P. Keaton, what a comedian you are! Will you ever learn?
/pets cat
//swallows vial of painkillers
But you know what? Stop being a baby and man-the-fuck-up. It's the season of giving. If you have anyone that gives two-shits about you, you are going to get some free shit from them, and give them gifts in exchange, and then feel all warm and fuzzy and sing "Joy to the World" while wearing no pants, because, of course, you're drunk again. Goddammit, man, how many times is this going to happen?
Or if you have no one that loves you, at least you have some free days off from work. And even if you've managed to alienate your friends and family because you're a total son-of-a-bitch - that's okay too, because there's still time to turn it all around! Go watch the documentary on Bill Murray's life called Scrooged.
(is informed that Scrooged is not a documentary)
Wait, really? That's weird. I totally thought that was all about Bill Murray leaving Saturday Night Live and everyone hating him and then he started dating Karen Allen. Jeez, am I embarrassed. Fuck it, forget about Bill Murray for a second and just be thankful that you're not living in Afghanistan, where going to the market is like playing Russian Roulette with a musket. Unless of course, all of your family lives in Afghanistan, and if so, then you are totally allowed to bitch about holiday music playing too early in the season. Deal? Deal. Us Zionists and Infidels will be busy drinking eggnog and bashing family members when they leave the room to go get more ham.
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