Not everyone deserves to sing Christmas songs and have them played in Target over the loudspeaker. Sinatra: Obvs. Every idiot who ever appeared on American Idol: take a hike. Maybe I'm biased over who can and cannot record an album (I’m sure Johnny Mathis probably punched a hooker or two in his lifetime, and I know Dean Martin probably choked a few minority elevator operators in his day) but still, how many fucking renditions of "White Christmas" do we really need? Nothing is worse than when I find myself enjoying a song only to realize it's someone stupid singing like Nicole Simpson and not Natalie Cole. Fuck Jessica Simpson.
What makes the Christmas Album market even more terrible is, it’s most populated by absurdly wealthy artists who are trying to make a quick buck by tricking old people into buying more Christmas CD’s. Said artists will hire a savvy art director to design the cover to resemble a Bing Crosby album that was released 40 years ago. Then, Wal-Mart will build a display stand and the old geezers will come running, fists full of cash. It's highway robbery. And then these artists use the royalties to buy their stupid Yorkie a tree house with custom interior designed by Vera Bradley. Fuck them.
FLU SEASON
Walking around Manhattan during Flu Season is like walking in front of a giant water cannon that shoots only bacteria in your face. Everywhere you turn people are hacking and coughing and sneezing and looking like someone just hooked fishing lures to their eyelids. And most people are too stupid or lazy or terrible-of-a-human-being to care whether or not you are hit by diseased cough shrapnel. If I were mayor of this city, Governor’s Island would be turned into a leper colony for people with colds, and I would operate it like the refugee camps in Children of Men.
Also, fuck flu shots. And fuck the mass hysteria surrounding them. I’ve never had the flu, and I’ve never had a flu shot, and yet every year I feel compelled to get one because every single person I know is getting one besides me. It’s a mob mentality--I wouldn’t be surprised if the syringes were filled with Hi-C. So obviously if there's ever is a real worldwide pandemic, and Walgreens is handing out free vaccines, you can bet your cupcakes that I’ll spurn their help and end up a flesh-eating corpse.
THIS TEACHER (Link)
Anyone who decides to crush the dreams of a bunch of kindergarteners should be sent to Abu Ghraib and have bamboo shoots stuck underneath their eyelids. What a fucking bitch. Just because you’re a miserable bag-of-shit doesn’t mean you should take it out on a gaggle of bright-eyed little kids. For fucks sake, I don’t think a day goes by where I don’t want to stop a youngster that I see in the street and yell into his face, “IT’S ALL DOWN HILL FROM HERE, JUNIOR.” But I don't. Let them figure it out for themselves.
TV'S MID-SEASON FINALES
Nope. Sorry, network assholes, this is not a real thing. I fucking hate AMC for doing this. I think they learned it from ABC, who used to pull this shit with Lost so that the season would bleed into sweeps week without “subjecting” its fan base to reruns. And this practice has probably been around for decades, but I’m placing the blame solely on a small sample size because I don’t feel like Googling specifics. Regardless, the fact remains that I’d rather be hit with a rerun or ten than have to bear two months of inactivity. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO UNTIL FEBRUARY??? WHAT HAPPENS TO DARYL AND MERLE???
VIRGIN EGGNOG
If you drink eggnog without some form of alcohol in it, and you're not four years old or Santa Claus, then you’ve probably strangled a hitchhiker at some point in your lifetime. There is only one reason an adult should drink eggnog: to mask all of the delicious booze you're guzzling while sitting around a bunch of kids and your mom. Carrying a bottle whiskey around the living room while the young ones open presents = bad taste. But carrying a giant glass of ice cream and milk and Jameson = gentlemanly.
Also, the people who buy milk cartons of eggnog from the grocery store are probably cannibals.
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