So today is Election Day, or at least that’s what the approximately 1,000 new governmental policy experts who have replaced my friends on Facebook tell me. And for the second time in eight years, I’m having a hard time buying into a candidate – this may have more to do with me being cynical than who I think would be the best Leader of the Free World – one guy has terrible hair and flip-flops positions more than Tom Cruise during a Turkish Bathhouse rendezvous, and the other hasn’t done much to make me say, “He should be doing this for more years.” If that quote right there doesn’t scream political savant, then I don’t know what does. But then again, I’ve never claimed to be a voice for anyone when it comes to politics, so I don’t even know why I’m writing this, aside from maybe realizing that everyone involved in politics is fucking crazy.
Seriously, liberals and conservatives and independents and socialists – all crazy. It’s 2012. We should be worrying about colonizing Jupiter, not worrying about two people of the same sex wanting to marry each other and have silent fights about emptying the dishwasher. Are we still pretending this matters? We are? WHHHHYYYYY? Pinning gay marriage as the downfall of family values in America is like blaming Ralph Macchio for the remake of
the Karate Kid. The fat stupid children who compromise America’s youth have waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more heavy shit to deal with before they start dissecting the morality of two men or two women getting married. How about we start with everyone carrying pistols around like the Wild West? Or how about reality TV? Can we pin some blame on reality TV, because reality TV is fucking TRASH. Honey Boo Boo and her fucking mutant family should be dragged into the woods and shot. Not funny. None of what those inbred idiots do is funny. Stop. You’re only encouraging more people to act like them.
Anyway, the problem really lies with both sides of the government actually having some good ideas, but both being too afraid to comprise. They are all so dead-set on being against the other team’s ideas for fear of retribution from the players on their own side, whether it be Christians or Jews or the rich or the poor or Burt Reynolds. Instead of believing in what they really believe in, they pick a side and run with it. And this only increases the gap.
Remember in
The Outsiders when Pony Boy sits in the car with the rich kid and they have a nice talk about him (Ponyboy) being a hero for saving the kids from the fire, and the rich kid saying he would have let the kids burn because their meeting is supposed to represent some microcosm of social classes sixty years ago? We should be doing more of that. Maybe not the weird, uncomfortable admission like in the movie, but still, we should talk more. Everyone should stop yelling and just talk. Not every meeting of congress has to end with a Liberal and a Conservative whipping out their dicks and slamming them on the table.
Look, I don’t really know shit about the intricacies of policy making and political agendas and wearing little American flags on my lapel, but what I do know is I can spot a douchebag from a country mile. And every time I turn on msnbc or Fox News or CNN, all I see are douchebags. And most of these guys/gals probably weren’t always douchebags, but that doesn’t matter because they are douchebags now, and that sucks. And this sucks so hard because this country has so much untapped potential. If you want to see one tiny little blossom of potential, just stick your fat hand into your pants and take out your smartphone. HOLY SHIT. Smart phones are crazy. Their size and functionality is just unreal. Literally. I can’t believe this little piece of fucking plastic and metal and science can do what it does. And yet, while part of me is smiling and giddy over being able to check my fantasy stats while also writing a poor review for the bodega on the corner because the food bar looks like it consists of cat meat, the other part of me can’t help but be bummed out.
What that little phone represents is our country’s potential, and it just magnifies the fact that there are so many smart fucking people in the US that could help improve our lives, except the decision-makers are too busy slap-fighting over some archaic fucking policy that will be irrelevant in five years. So instead of being utilized, these people are left to go work at Staples and sell dumb assholes McAfee antivirus software. And then the policy that the politicians are fighting over is approved but immediately overturned when the house majority shifts. Stir, mix, repeat.
If you’ve read this far, I’m sorry. I realize most of what I’ve said has made you either more self-aware of the helpless feeling some people (me) get when they are able to look past the immediate problems and see the larger scale problems our country faces, or you now hate me and are defriending me immediately. Fine, whatever, I understand. But I guess if there is a point to this post, it’s that we are putting too much stock into people who don’t give a shit about us – you and me. They are more concerned with what THEY want for their little gangs to win little battles while the country rots. When are we going to talk about gun control? The climate shift? Did the Northeast not just get fucking POUNDED by a super storm? If I went back in time and told some asshole in 1911 about the term “super storm” he probably would have shot me in the dick. And I would have deserved it, because there were no super storms back in 1911. They had scurvy and syphilis. And that shit got taken care of because this country was getting shit DONE. But we have super storms now, and if I am ever going to believe in a politician again, he/she needs to start talking about relevant topics immediately. I don’t fucking care about gay marriage. I don’t care about fucking localized oil. Do we still need THAT MUCH oil? Is it more a power play over the Middle East? If we can invent smart phones, why can’t we invent fucking cars that run on air? It doesn’t add up. And it all goes back to politicians being crazy egomaniac dickheads who would push your mom in front of a bus if it meant getting an extra vote in the election.
The only way this country is ever going to mend itself is if we stop allowing antiquated parties dictate how we vote. I’m not saying it’s bad to be a part of either one, but isn’t there a way we can be progressive about both party's agendas and start moving toward a common goal for our country? Are we really going to be fighting about outdated social agendas in sixty years? I guess I don’t care if we are, because I will be dead, but I will probably be floating around the ocean because the oceans will have uprooted my grave because everyone was too busy fighting over whether or not we should allow women to have abortions if the midwife doctor la la la BARF instead of worrying about the environment...
Good call, Washington, good call. I hope I come back as a zombie so I can eat your fucking face for being so stubborn and obtuse.
