If you live in the New York metro area, yesterday and today are the first really
nice weather days of 2012. And already, people are starting to bitch and moan about having to work inside. At lunch, I overheard two people complaining about being "stuck" inside on a day like today. That they would do "anything" to work "outside" so they can enjoy the nice weather all of the time. Well, I hate to break it to these dreamers, but I'll go out on a limb here and say that jobs that boast "working outside" as one of its perks aren't always the most desirable. In fact, if presented with the opportunity to transition to one of these jobs, I'm going to bet that when the men in black suits come to take away your precious blackberry and Outlook conference calls, you will run and hide in the supply closet and pray to Siri that they never find you. Because you are an tech ADDICT!
But hey, I like to play to whole, 'what if' game. I loved "Choose Your Own Adventure" books when I was kid, even if I always chose the adventure that led to my death by time traveling dinosaurs in an ancient Indian burial ground massacre. So let's run through those outside jobs and see which ones fit your profile best.
- Fisherman
You're too much of a baby to bait a hook, let alone have to brain a tiger shark with a wooden club as it tries to eat your friend Wayne, who fell overboard again (such a Wayne move!).
- Archeologist
I bet you couldn't even pass the archeologist exam. Remember when you failed the Biology Regents in 9th grade, and you had to go to summer school, and we used to ride our bikes to the school and wave at you through the window while you sat in the un-air-conditioned classroom and stared at that fat teacher and probably had to hold back tears because we were being such dicks? What an idiot you were.
- Sanitation Worker
Want to be a garbage man? Garbage men get to work outside. They also get to sift through feces and rotting vegetables. Does that sound better than sitting in your ergonomically-designed chair reading People.com?
Ohhhhhhh that's right, you want the outside job where you twirl around in circles and write sonnets about your Egyptian cotton sheets or whatever. Well, those jobs don't exist anywhere except inside your stupid brain. So stop complaining about your "inside" job and be happy you have a desk and a computer and the internet. The internet is better than outside, anyway. The internet has an unending amount of entertainment. All outside has is a bunch of trees and the sun. And all the sun is good for is giving you cancer and making you uncomfortable in your gabardine slacks.
Unfortunately, the whining only gets worse as the warm weather becomes more consistent. People literally spend nine hours a day on Facebook writing fake letters to the sky about how they wish they were enjoying what the sky was giving to the world that day.
Dear Spring,
I wish I were with you right now.
Love,
You
Hey, dummy, the sky doesn't have Facebook, so stop. Now. Stop writing letters to weather, it's insane. But hey, go on being jealous of all those lucky people sitting outside right now. I'm sure all homeless people without jobs or a roof spend their days soaking up the sun and playing flag football together in the park and not worrying about why the decisions they made early on in life afforded them so much free time outdoors. Yeah, I bet that's happening while you IM your friends and talk about how you can't wait for the weekend so you can stand in the sun and stare at the clouds with your magical make-believe boyfriend/girlfriend that nobody believes really exists, because who would date someone who can't stop bitching about the weather and writing letters to rain and sunshine?
But I have the perfect solution for everyone who feels like they just can't go on with their lives any longer unless they spend more time outdoors. Follow these three easy steps to instant and unlimited outside time:
Step 1: Quit your job
Step 2: Start doing heroin
Step 3: Go live under a highway overpass
VOILA! Now you have ample time to lay in a field and enjoy the nice weather. That is, until it gets cold again and you freeze to death in your highway overpass cardboard box duplex.
