It's not revolutionary to hate your cable provider. It's actually very cliche. Next up is a rant about airline food! Oh who am I kidding, I love airline food. But I tend to embrace cliches because I really don't give a shit. So, read on if you feel like absorbing a bitch-fest to the highest slap-fighting, hair-pulling degree.
Right now, millions of Americans are unhappy with their cable provider. It's just part of being American, like Cheesecake Factory and concealed weapons. Yeah, there may be one or two people who are actually cool with their cable provider's services, but I bet these people are really fucking horrible. Like they enjoy movies starring that tomato-headed-asshole Cameron Diaz. God, she is the worst. Or the kind of people who eat plain hot dogs. Ugh, fucking gross. Being satisfied with your cable service provider is like being satisfied with the Apartheid.
I have Cablevision, and they are just, just, terrible. When I was growing up, my parents had Cablevision, and it sucked then, too. But back then, I still had hope for the future. I remember thinking to myself, "Man, I sure can't wait for the future when cable service is good and I can wear a cool tie-dye vinyl hat like Marty McFly." Well, guess what, eight-year-old-me? Cable service still sucks. And that hat? That hat is fucking stupid. You really need to reconsider your wishes, younger-me, like maybe wishing for a brain that doesn't ramble on all day long like an old drunken Irish woman recounting her days in the pubs of Killkenny. Hey, Bridget, will you shut up already?
I also don't understand how my bill is different every month. Seriously, it fluctuates like a fucking Con-Edison bill. An extra $10 here, a little less here...why? Is it running on a meter? I've never ordered pay-per-view in my life, mostly because I am too lazy to gather up friends to watch some shitty boxing match, and also because my TV remote menu and guide are best-suited for robots with computer brains.
And your high-speed internet may be high-speed to Aboriginals, but not to me. I have other First World problems to deal with, and now I have to wait fourteen seconds to watch a Youtube video about fat people falling off of motorcycles and breaking their appendages? (wagging finger) I don't think so. How about investing some of that money you used to film this piece-of-shit commercial into making the actual connections faster? And just so it's on record, any person involved in the creation of this commercial should dragged into the street and shot.
And the best part of it all? There is no solution. You can get Direct TV, but everyone I know who has Direct TV seems to be on suicide watch every time it drizzles. I guess there is always Verizon Fios. But wait...There isn't! Because it's not available in your area, even though Verizon apparently cut down a whole rain forest in Bolivia to send 400 promotional letters to my house saying it is available, even though it most certainly is not. Gotcha!
0 comments:
Post a Comment