I don't know what it is about my lawn, but for some reason, it's like a magnet for garbage. I'm sure living near a main road doesn't help, but it almost seems like half the city's trash ends up sprayed across my crab grass, and goddamn it, I work hard to not tend to my crab grass!
There really is no feeling better than waking up at 6am to walk your dog, heading out to the corner, and seeing a giant bag of McDonald's and the coinciding cheeseburger wrappers splattered with fucking BBQ sauce just waiting there for you to step in it. Ever accidentally get McDonald's BBQ sauce on your skin? It's like fucking red crazy glue mixed with roofing tar. I swear McDonald's must secretly encourage people to litter. Maybe they inject their cloned
On rare occasions, there will be trash not sporting the golden arches, like the time I came across a someone's wig. Now, don't get me wrong, I was not pleased that someone's cover-up for their disgusting psoriasis infested head was 30 yards from my front door, but I would still pay $50 to find out the story behind the person who tossed their toupee out the window right as they were passing by my house. It was this cheap blond color and all stringy and weird. So, so gross.
There are exceptions to the littering gene. When you're young, you have a reason to litter, because everything in your car is evidence - beer bottles, cigarette packs, severed heads. You must dispose of everything so when your parents break out the forensics kit, they come across nothing except finely-combed car-interior and a bible. Obviously, they won't recognize the cigarette burns, or the empty weed baggie that slipped in between the seat and console, or the homeless guy you picked up who promised to buy you liquor in exchange for a night in your shed. Yeah, littering is always a dick move, but I can almost understand when those wacky kids throw stuff out the window.
But I don't "get" adults who litter. It's beyond my fucking brain's comprehension. It's like looking into space and trying to see the constellations - wait, those five white dots are supposed to be a lion? What fucking weirdo 4,000 years ago saw a lion in those five dots? That shit is bananas. But the real reason my brain fails to understand a grown man or woman throwing trash out their window is because I'm sure many of these same morons have lawns of their own. If I walked up to their house and tossed a bag of garbage on their grass, I doubt they would give me a thumbs up and buy me a fountain soda. If they offered to, I would assume they were a serial killer and I would immediately call the police.
A few years ago, I was sitting in the parking lot of a Burger King when I saw a mini-van pull up and park a few spots away from me. Behind the wheel was some pig sporting a horrible Dutch Boy 'do, and inside her car were a bunch of shitty kids screaming and dicking around, shaking the van so hard it was rocking on its axles like two sumo wrestler were fucking inside. And as the lady screamed incoherently, she began tossing handfuls of trash out her window. Plastic bottles, bags of fast food, letters, loose papers. I was stunned. I've never seen such a blatant and mass littering display in my life. When she was finished, she drove away like nothing happened. I like to think she plowed her car into the back of a cement truck, but she probably just went home and yelled at her husband and beat her dog with a belt or something. Needless to say, it left me in a bad mental state. So now, any time there is garbage on my lawn, I assume it was thrown there by this same lady. My white whale. She better pray to her size 45 jean shorts that I never catch her.
The subway is another hot-spot - people like to toss shit on the tracks while they shove Doritos in their face and wait for the train. If it's not a bag of snacks then it's nine thousand Starburst wrappers. Where are these people getting the movie theater size Starburst boxes? Am I missing something here? Sometimes people go for broke and just up and smash bottles. Obviously, the general public is too scared to say or do anything to these people - myself included - because it's probably a safe bet to say these people are mentally unstable and will probably react negatively to your criticism and stab you in your face with a screwdriver.
What it all boils down to is laziness. The open window and sprawling street and sidewalk provide the perfect canvas for people to discard their unwanted garbage. What's easier than tossing a pocketful of old receipts in the street? Oh wait, that's right, throwing those receipts in one of the fucking 78,000,000 garbage cans around the fucking city. Take it from me - a lazy bastard who abhors the thought of changing a paper towel roll - throwing your shit on my lawn is just as easy as waiting until you get back to that dump you call home and tossing it on the floor with the rest of your disgusting shit. And remember, one day I will be old and senile and my day will revolve around me hanging out on my porch with a shotgun, waiting for people to litter. Just saying...
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