Remember in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure when Bill and Ted went back in time and end up in the Old West, and they fucking piss off everyone in like ten seconds because they are such bros and they try to be bros with all the old cranky dirty cowboys in the saloon? But instead of getting themselves shot to death, they escape by jumping in their telephone time machine with Billy the Kid? Of course you remember, because you own that shit on Laserdisc. Don't lie.
That whole first part would be me if I were to ever end up in the Old West, except I wouldn't have a time machine, or Billy the Kid to help me escape. I would have a horse, and the horse would probably be fat and out of shape, and I would be gunned down unceremoniously while still trying to unbuckle my gun from its holster. And then they would probably burn me at a stake for being a witch because I would be wearing my sick velour Puma jumpsuit.
So yeah, the Old West and I don’t mix. Everyone had tuberculosis or syphilis and everyone tried to kill everyone else and Indians burned down houses and everyone died by the time they were 30-years-old (sounds like the perfect place to retire, Dr. Emmett L. Brown...Not). And just in case you would like any more affirmation to this statement, go watch The Wild Bunch. You will thank you're lucky stars that you were born during an epoch where you can microwave that shitty leftover chicken cacciatore you bought from ShopRite and not get shot to death by a Mexican General simply for sport. But upon watching, you will also realize just how goddamn awesome this movie is.
Just in case you haven't seen TWB in the 42 years it's been available to watch on 8-track or whatever was popular when your old-ass was a kid, here's the basic premise of the story: In the early part of the 20th century, an aging gang of bank robbers (William Holden, Ernest Borgnine, Warren Oates) are faced with changing, violent times, and are out for one last big score before retiring to Boca Raton or wherever people retired when it took two years to travel six miles. Only problem is, one of their former associates (Robert Ryan) is working with a group of vicious bounty hunters who are hot on the gang's trail. Lots and lots of gun-fighting ensues. Lots and lots of people get shot. Lots and lots of horses get shot. Lots and lots of property damage occurs, much to the chagrin of the Mexicans who worked so hard to make their adobe houses so nice and smooth and spherical.
But the violence isn’t what makes this movie awesome. Yeah, it definitely adds to the depressing, gritty, horrifying feeling to most every scene. But it’s director Sam Pekinpah’s ability to mix the uber-violence with a genre-defying story. It’s a Western, but it’s not a Western. There are good guys and bad guys and horses and floozies, but behind all of that is the 'everyone hates change' theme, and who can’t relate to that? Yeah, it may be buried beneath 500 bodies of dead Mexican soldiers, but it’s there, and it’s readily apparent.
Look, this movie ain't for the weak of heart. Like my wife. I would only show this movie to her if I wanted her to hate me forever and throw my clothes out the window into the rain. And I don't want that, so that's why I only watch TWB when she's out shopping or on vacation. Because it's really unsettling. Which, weirdly enough, is something I want from a good Western/Non-Western. The Old West wasn't all puppies and rainbow sherbet. It was kill or be killed. It was a time for real men who weren't scared to look at their 401K statement and never owned a messenger bag that draped over their shoulders like a purse. Again, one of the reasons why I am happy I was born 31 years ago and not 150.
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