What is this shit? Why are you asking me to ‘like’ something that someone else is doing other than you? Why are you sending me event to "help"? Why do we need a Facebook event? Have you done ANYTHING to help these poor bastards yet? What is so complicated about it? I donated money and sent clothes (accepts Nobel Peace Prize) and I still feel like a worthless piece of shit. But you, you and your fucking Facebook nonsense, you deserve to sleep in a cold dark house. A cold dark house made of FIRE.
Honey Containers
I would rather massage a homeless man’s stocking feet than handle a honey container without a napkin. If that little plastic bear spends even one millisecond touching your skin, it’s all over. I handle honey containers like a hand grenade, even more carefully in fact. Because if a hand grenade goes off in my hand, fine, death or mutilation. But a honey container provides only hours of horrible stickiness that will leave grubby dirty patches on everything you touch and possibly get in your hair.
Indoor Winter Spider Webs
I have an alcove in my basement where I keep pantry items, and I went down there last night to grab a case of seltzer and walked right into a giant spider web. It was the single most terrifying experience of my life – I felt like that spider had rubbed its dick on me in the subway. And it wasn’t just some run-of-the-mill web - this thing covered the whole entryway and it was as thick as cotton. Just thinking about it makes me want to puke. So obviously the only solution I have left is to burn my house down. I’m sure this is justified by my homeowners insurance.
Walking into Elevators/Subways Before People Can Exit
When people try to enter the elevator/subway before I get off, I make sure they learn a valuable lesson about awareness by dropping my shoulder and totally housing their shit. And yes, I am completely aware that this is not “okay” and I may not be in the business of “problem solving” like an “adult,” but I sure as shit am in the business of making a 4’9’’ Asian lady pay for being a selfish buffoon with the self-awareness of a chair.
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