But while I was putting together the mix-tape, I kept running into trouble, mainly because the music I listen to is either depressing Blues/Alt Rock, or obscure weirdo shit that could probably be classified as terrible by normal people’s standards of what is nice to listen to, and what isn't. So I turned to the iTunes Top 200 singles list for help. But instead of being overwhelmed by the dog-shit populating the list (there is a lot), I was awed by something much more interesting: Chris Brown has like seven songs on the chart. So I was all like, thee Chris Brown? Like the one who punched out Rihanna* and then got the beating commemorated as a tattoo on his neck (I’m not buying his other explanation), and then he wooed her back by promising not to punch her face in again? And then went on to threaten this female comedian with a custom beating of her own, only to jump off Twitter like a coward when fans reacted badly to his absolutely weird and horrifying threats? Like that Chris Brown?
Yep - all signs point to those charting songs belonging to this classy guy. Needless to say, I thought we (we meaning the 'Royal We' of society that’s comprised of mostly rational people) had decided against Chris Brown retaining his fame and making a whole lot more money off us? I thought he was firmly in our rear-view, an ugly blemish that will be forgotten about in a few years, leaving him plenty of time to smack-around meth-addicted prostitutes in a motel parking lot somewhere near Gardena? I thought that was the plan?
I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised by Chris Brown’s
continued success. And yes, I’m fully aware that I’m not really “ahead of the
curve” writing an article about how much of a shithead he is. But I do think I
am ahead of the curve by saying that I hate people who buy Chris Brown’s music
more than I hate Chris Brown. I mean seriously, there are plenty of other
talentless assholes auto-tuning their music, so why do people insist on buying
Brown’s albums?
I decided to see for myself. So I listened to about five iTunes
previews of his most popular songs, which is the exact same way the Grammy committee determines its winner each year, I think. And after listening to these previews, I said to myself: "Wow. That was great. I think I’ve changed
my mind about Chris Brown. He’s probably just misunderstood. I’m sure Rihanna asked to
be kicked out of a moving car."
Wait, just kidding--he’s terrible. All of his music sounds exactly the same and he sounds like he has a sinus infection, which he probably got from running around with his shirt off all the time. Thus, I find no logical reason for humanity to continue to shower him with money and fame. Case closed.
Okay, I know it's more complicated than that. I know this is a free country and we all have the goddamn right to do what we goddamn want, goddammit, and if we want to eat Turf-and-Turf with bacon on top and watch eight-straight-hours of “Teen Mom” and then go to Wal-Mart to buy more Cool Ranch Doritos super-packs and then sue Wal-Mart when we subsequently trip over the blue dot special display because we weigh several thousand pounds and are too busy reading Tweets by Christina Aguilera to be paying attention to where we are walking, then goddammit, we have the right to do that. It’s a free country and we’ve “earned” the right to do what we want whenever we want.
But then again, shouldn’t we draw the line somewhere? I mean, it’s one thing for a celebrity to snort cocaine off a Japanese samurai sword and end up running down 5th Avenue naked and screaming and crying, and then do a fake rehab stint to make things all better with his or her fan base, because, well, nobody got punched in the eye several times and thrown out of a moving car. And I can even deal with a male celebrity punching another male celebrity in the face, because most of them deserve it and none of those idiots can fight anyway so we know nobody will get hurt. I guess the same goes for female only brawls, too. People drink, people do drugs, people fight, people urinate in public. Shit happens.
But a guy who beats the shit out of his girlfriend and shows no regret whatsoever? Nope. He should be shunned like an Amish kid when his family finds out he's addicted to Xbox Live.
In conclusion, I’m not sure there is hope for the general masses, but at the very least, can we keep this shitbag off the pop charts? Please? Then you can go back to gorging on Taco Bell and DVR-ing The Kardashians and playing Farmville. Deal?
Wait, just kidding--he’s terrible. All of his music sounds exactly the same and he sounds like he has a sinus infection, which he probably got from running around with his shirt off all the time. Thus, I find no logical reason for humanity to continue to shower him with money and fame. Case closed.
Okay, I know it's more complicated than that. I know this is a free country and we all have the goddamn right to do what we goddamn want, goddammit, and if we want to eat Turf-and-Turf with bacon on top and watch eight-straight-hours of “Teen Mom” and then go to Wal-Mart to buy more Cool Ranch Doritos super-packs and then sue Wal-Mart when we subsequently trip over the blue dot special display because we weigh several thousand pounds and are too busy reading Tweets by Christina Aguilera to be paying attention to where we are walking, then goddammit, we have the right to do that. It’s a free country and we’ve “earned” the right to do what we want whenever we want.
But then again, shouldn’t we draw the line somewhere? I mean, it’s one thing for a celebrity to snort cocaine off a Japanese samurai sword and end up running down 5th Avenue naked and screaming and crying, and then do a fake rehab stint to make things all better with his or her fan base, because, well, nobody got punched in the eye several times and thrown out of a moving car. And I can even deal with a male celebrity punching another male celebrity in the face, because most of them deserve it and none of those idiots can fight anyway so we know nobody will get hurt. I guess the same goes for female only brawls, too. People drink, people do drugs, people fight, people urinate in public. Shit happens.
But a guy who beats the shit out of his girlfriend and shows no regret whatsoever? Nope. He should be shunned like an Amish kid when his family finds out he's addicted to Xbox Live.
In conclusion, I’m not sure there is hope for the general masses, but at the very least, can we keep this shitbag off the pop charts? Please? Then you can go back to gorging on Taco Bell and DVR-ing The Kardashians and playing Farmville. Deal?
*I am also not really fond of Rihanna - she is a moron for getting back together with this clown and setting a horrible example for the millions of kids who emulate her, but I don't care enough to really care, if you catch my drift. Bottom line: everyone is stupid - FIN.
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