A few weeks ago, I went on a trip. HOW EXCITING! In our absence, my wife decided she would like to have our lights put on timers to fool all of the bad guys who are trying to rob our house and steal my Playstation 3 (obvs). I asked her if she had ever heard of a little movie called "Home Alone" because, if the Wet Bandits could figure out that houses are on timers and an entire fucking neighborhood went on vacation all at once, then I assume any half-ass real-life criminal could too. She stared at me blankly and walked away. Guess she's never seen it.
Anyway, I was in charge of installing the timers, because that's the type of stuff I get put in charge of. Fine, cool, no problemo. Yeah, no problemo, that is, until she handed me the timer in its entirety. Much to my chagrin, It was sealed inside one of those hard plastic cases. Immediately I wanted to quit, because the thought of opening one of these goddamn things gives me the shakes. Those plastic pieces of shit are the worst. I think they are made out of Kevlar and turtle shells and glass and children's baby teeth because they can deflect bullets. Trust me. Put some on your hat and have your friend shoot you in the head with a pistol. Guaranteed safety! But yeah, I hate those plastic cases so fucking much I want to scream. Whoever invented them should be thrown into a volcano.
Why, packaging company? Why do you hate me? I buy shit from you all the time, and this is how you fucking repay me? I have to use a knife and/or scissor to open this thing, and even then I still have to dig my hands into the package and pry. Within seconds my hands are shredded cabbage and blood is everywhere. Fun fucking times had by NONE.
I understand the need for companies to protect their products. People steal because people are dicks. When I was a teenager, I worked at Sam Goody. Never heard of it? That's because I'm fucking old and retail shopping is dying - call Warren Buffet! Anyway, I caught a kid stealing a Korn CD that came with some stupid book or shirt or something, and was packaged in one of those plastic things. First of all: no. No, kid. Korn? Really? Lame City, bro. And secondly, have fun with that plastic package of death. But instead of letting him get away and possibly lose a finger, I gave him a serious dress down and told him to take a hike. In retrospect, he should have thanked me. I saved him from stress and blood loss, that little shit. Instead he gave me the finger. I hope that ungrateful bitch lost an arm in a bear trap.
Why aren't stores able to properly secure their merchandise? It's 2011. In four years, there will be hoverboards and flying cars and Goldie Wilson will be running for President, and yet Radio Shack is still losing countless dollars because someone is stealing all of their EarBuds? Give me a break. Who even shops at Radio Shack anymore? What a stupid store name - Radio Shack. More like The Dump, right? Install some extra magnets by the door and just plop everything on a table so I can rummage freely and not have to deal with depackaging my HDMI cable with a chainsaw.
But I have a solution to this problem: get rid of them! Besides, plastic is killing all of the world's reindeer and polar bears and dinosaurs, so right there is a good reason. Another reason is I hate them. So there you go, two awesome reasons that you can put in your quarterly fact booklet and send them to your clients. "Now more environmentally conscious and less offensive to one angry loser who complains on the internet!"
Boom! slogan of the year. You're welcome.
0 comments:
Post a Comment