The Best Kind of Turkey
In between shoveling mouthfuls of food down your throat and bad-mouthing your Uncle for having another Jack on the rocks minus the rocks - hopefully you will take a few minutes to look around at your surroundings and just be thankful. Thankful you are not living in a hut in Peru that is buried underneath nine feet of mud. Thankful you are not living in the Sudan eating dirt for dinner and dodging the refrigerators rebels are tossing out of the airplanes flying overhead. Thankful you are not all alone in some shitty apartment playing trumpet for your audience of NO ONE. Depressed yet? I sure am! Who else wants a nice pint glass full of grain alcohol and turpentine to dull that guilty feeling?
What I guess I'm saying is, life could always be worse, right? If you're reading this, you have the internet. Be thankful that you have the internet. I know I am. When my internet goes down, I break out in hives and vomit. Maybe that's because of all the time I spent near that drum of toxic waste we found buried in the woods, but I don't know. Anyway, I'm getting off topic here - weird! My point is, maybe we can all be content for a day. Just one day. But content in a good way, not in a smug, horrible way, like the way your ex-girlfriend used to act when she gained the upper-hand in an argument about who was more drunk the night before. Wasn't she the worst? I meant to tell you years ago how much we all hated Susan. Good job on getting rid of her. She was a real bitch.
So yeah, have a great holiday. And hopefully, you have Friday off, so you can spend some time lying in bed disappointed in yourself for eating yourself to sleep like a dog. That's always fun. You wake up and feel like you swallowed a truck tire. Oh, holidays, so much fun!
Now pass the goddamn cranberry sauce before fat Cousin Josie over there gets her hands on it. I think she steals it and puts it into her pockets. Gross.
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