Charla Nash was on The TODAY Show this morning. Never heard of her? Well, DO NOT GOOGLE HER. I'm not kidding - your eyes will be violated in a way that you will never be able to recover from. Trust me, I know from experience. You see, I have the willpower of a three-year-old, and I Google everything that people tell me to NEVER to Google. Then, after I finish hating myself, I tell everyone around me that I Googled something repulsive, and subsequently they all think I'm insane. But honestly, I just can't help it. I assume this is what heroin addiction feels like - the inability to not look at terrible images. Same thing right? Anyway, it's a horrible, horrible way to live. But since I'm such a nice person, I'll save you the trouble of finding out who Nash is on your own.
In February 2009, Nash was mauled by a friend's pet chimp, and in the process of being mauled, had her face and hands ripped off. Yeah, NOW you remember her. So the chimp went crazy and tore her apart, then went after the cops in their patrol car. The cops ended up shooting it because the chimp managed to open the door and crawl inside. That's normal, right? If I was the cop on scene, I would have been too preoccupied soiling myself repeatedly to deal with the situation. Anyway, Nash survived, but the injuries were so horrible that the initial doctors and nurses who treated Nash were assigned counseling! Think about how bad of a state Nash must have been in that doctors and nurses, who see crazy shit all day long like burn victims and gunshot wounds, needed therapy.
Excuse me while I go barf and cry under a table for thirty minutes.
When I first heard about this story, I was mortified. Yes, part of me was mortified because of the details of the event - HER HANDS AND EYES AND LIPS WERE RIPPED OFF! GAAHHHHH ZOMBIE! But the other part of me was really confused as to why someone kept a chimp as a pet in the first place. What if my neighbor has a Chimp as a pet? Would I even know until it was too late? What if I'm out walking my dog one night and a fucking chimp wearing a diaper attacks me? Do I kick it? That won't do anything. I'll just carry a knife at all times. What's that, wife, why am I carrying a kitchen knife? Because I think our neighbor has a pet chimp in the house that is going to attack and maim me while our dog is taking a dump and I'm watching that creepy old man stumble down the sidewalk and pour his garbage into the sewer. Who in the fuck does that? I know he's old, but seriously, get a grip. Wait...why are you putting a suitcase in the car?
So yeah, I realize that owning an exotic pet is relatively common practice, but seriously, I'll never understand it. Never ever ever. Like learning physics. Remember physics class in high school? Yeah me either - BO-RING. Some people get it, and some people pretend it's magic, like I do.
I like to think that the general public realizes that there is a reason why the term domesticated is applied to animals that are meant to be pets inside of your home. They are relatively safe, like fish, which generally suck, unless you are a millionaire and can have a fish tank over your head while you sleep, which is pretty awesome. And cats, cats are safe too, because as long as you keep an eye on your cat, it won't be able to kill you by slipping poison into your food. Because cats are evil and will kill you if you slip up and allow them the upper-hand. And dogs, for the most part, are safe, and probably won't rip your face off. They may bite your throat and lock their jaw and not let go until Animal Control shoots them, but if a dog is biting your jugular, you probably deserve it. But owning a chimp as a pet that lives in your home and hangs out with your family? No. Have you ever seen one up close? They are so goddamn human-like it's creepy. They are like little fat weirdos who don't speak and use sign language and smoke cigarettes and drink wine. Seriously, it's like living with a mute drug-addicted homeless person.
What's worse is, the exotic pet ownership doesn't stop with just chimps. Yeah, okay, I guess I can sort of, kind of, maybe see why some crazy old woman wants to have a chimp as a pet - they're are as close to human as you're going to get. But, like, an alligator? What the FUCK? Who wants to constantly be in a fight for your life. "Oh hey, how about I go and get a sandwich from the refrig--"
(arm torn off by alligator in the kitchen)
And snakes? Get the fuck out of my face. Snakes are the worst thing ever. I once saw a guy walking around the South Street Seaport with a fucking Cobra. I wanted to get a Molotov Cocktail and throw it at his head. I couldn't sleep for two weeks after seeing that. Just horrible.
Or a how about a lion or a tiger? Mike Tyson had tigers as pets - this is not a creative take by the writers of The Hangover; Tyson actually owned a few off them. And he used to WRESTLE WITH THEM. Sounds like a stable guy, let's allow him in the ring to fight other human being - Go Iron Mike!
Most recently, some maniac in Zaneswille, Ohio had a whole fucking zoo to himself, and decided to one day let them all go and then shoot his face off. Thanks, asshole from Ohio. Who does this? Why couldn't you have just called Animal Control and then blown your head off while you were waiting for them to arrive? What a dick. Then the Ohio police had to go shoot all of these animals because they were just strolling down the highway. Then PETA was pissed because the cops shot all of God's beautiful creatures who are innocent and blah blah blah. Hey, PETA - Fuck you. I assume that when you join the Ohio State Police, one day of training is not allocated to capturing panthers with a net. Actually, I can guarantee that. So I don't really blame some dude for blowing away a bunch of wild animals trying to eat everyone in its vicinity. And trust me, I don't like to kill animals - if I hit a bird with my car it takes me like five days to recover, and I fucking HATE birds. But if I have a pistol and I'm facing off with a goddamn Grizzly Bear, I'm shooting that bear 800 times.
In short, if a mysterious Bengali man approaches you at a black market and promises you a chimp, don't buy his exotic animals and bring them home to your house. It's not worth it. Because one day that chimp is going to rip your face off, and one day I am going to be getting ready for work and have to listen to you describe your face being ripped off on The TODAY Show. Not cool, guy, not cool.
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