Well, it's January again. Time to break out your go-getter hats and swear to quit doing something you love, or do more of something that you really hate/love. You like McDonald's? Make it your "New Year's Resolution" to stop eating it. Because that's what you're supposed to do once January rolls in: make some God awful proclamation to a bunch of shitheads only to fail miserably at doing whatever it was you didn't want to do in the first place, and then you go home and shove seventeen cheeseburgers into your face and drink a 50 oz fountain Coke and keel over and die while you watch reruns of "Empty Nest" on your plasma TV. Who still has a plasma, anyway? That shit is for the birds, bro.
If I were a betting man (and I am not, for the record, because not only am I a coward and when I watch a dealer rake in my $20 at a black jack table it makes me want to grab a handful of chips and run for the door only to die in a hail of bullets because HE'S STEALING MY MONEY, but I also have the gambling luck of someone playing Russian Roulette with a musket) I would bet that the odds of a person fulfilling their New Year's Resolution are 1,000/1. That might even be generous. Regardless, I would assume that for every 1,000 schleps out there, 999 of them crumble within a few weeks. Most within a few days. And the main reason is, because they're doing it out of pressure. It's the New Year, quit something. OR start doing something. Makes sense right? You just got finished buying $15,000 worth of stuff for your shitty kids and unappreciative family, so how about now you add more unneeded stress to your life by swearing to do something you don't want to do. This is typical American bravado - we always have to be one-upping one another. I bet the French don't have New Year's resolutions. I bet the French wake up on January 1st at their normal start time of 11am, smoke three packs of cigarettes before lunch, drink 50 cups of coffee, have sex all over the place, and then live until they're 90 years old because they're not going around and telling everyone they know that they are going to run 20 miles a day in the freezing cold because they added a couple of pounds over the holidays. That shit is bananas. And to be honest, I'd rather gain 700 lbs and be rolled around in a wheelbarrow than have to go running on a day like today. Seriously, just fork-lift me into the wheelbarrow and parade me around town as the fatso who had to have his wall chainsawed down by a SWAT Team or something because I was too lazy to get on the treadmill. At least I'll be warm.
I once tried to quit smoking as my New Years resolution. It lasted about 20 hours. Two nights later, I was out watching a Sunday Night NFL game chain smoking like a Meth head. And this happened because I didn't want to quit, I just wanted an answer for those people who ask incessantly, "Hey, guy, what's your New Year's resolution?" Oh me, just quitting smoking, cold turkey - NO BIG DEAL.
Now, I don't even bother. Why fake it? Yeah, I should probably hit the gym and I should probably drink less coffee and I should probably stop luring drifters into my basement and strangling them with bedsheets, but I'll fix all that in due time. For now, nah. I'm too tired.
But there is a flipside to the peer pressure of having to make a New Year's resolution - there are those people who pretend that they are above resolutions, because they think they're perfect. Oh the gym? BEEN GOING THERE SINCE THE 90'S, BRO. Lose Weight? TRY 25 LBS SINCE AUGUST. This attitude, I don't get. Don't act like you're better than the people who are out there, using Facebook or their stupid mouth to tell anyone who will listen that they are going to better themselves, even if it's only to satisfy a peer's opinion of them. You're not better than them. You're equally as fucking terrible. You are the same person who claims to have everything first and to have started every fad and to be above watching "Cops" on FX because it's old and exploitative. "Cops" is not exploitative. If anything, it's educational. In fact, I think "Cops" should be shown to every single kindergarten class in the nation, so they know that one day, if they start selling heroin and/or doing heroin, a cop and a TV camera crew is going to kick in their door and arrest them with no shirt on, most likely in the presence of a horribly obese and disgusting hooker.
If you're going to do something to better yourself, just do it. Don't go around announcing the fact, prancing up and down your work hallways or friend's apartment with fitness guides and nutrition magazines. Stop. No one is buying that shit. Just fucking do it. You want to do charity work? Go do some charity work. You want to learn karate? Go take a fucking karate class. You want to dye your hair red and change your name to Scarlett? Go for it. Just stop telling me about it.
And if you don't want to do anything, then don't. Keep eating those bag-fulls of Five Guys fries. Keep smoking those unfiltered Camels. Keep drinking that homemade toilet wine. It's your life, not mine. All I ask is for everyone shut the fuck up about it because "Cops" is on in five minutes and they're going to be in Fort Lauderdale tonight. Ever see "Cops" when they're in Fort Lauderdale? No? Holy shit, you should make that your New Year's Resolution, because it's like watching watching two dogs fight over a chicken bone - VERY ENGAGING.
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