THE ART OF LAZINESS

I consider laziness a talent. In high school, I knew a kid who, instead of getting up and walking nine feet to the toilet, he would stand on his bed and piss out of his bedroom window. True story. And, on top of his neighbors no doubt adoring him, I was impressed that he chose to urinate in view of the public instead of using the bathroom that was right next to his bedroom. The effort it took to open the window, open the screen, and lean his pelvis out the window so he didn’t accidentally piss on his bed must have exerted more energy than getting up and walking down the hallway like a normal human being. I guess the way you relieve yourself is a matter of preference here in America. Some people piss into empty water bottles. Some people get up and piss on their lawn. I, on the other hand, use the toilet. I guess that’s because I am a fancy gentleman, but que sera sera I guess?

So what am I getting at here? Well, well, well, so sorry to take time away from you creating that cool “JimBRO’s Summer Jams 2012” playlist on Spotify. But seriously, nobody wants to listen to a bunch of shitty Silver Chair songs from 1000 years ago, so you might as well quit and listen to my point. And that point is this: living in such a great and wonderful and adorable city like New York, you run into all different kinds of people. And many of those people are lazy. Yes, per capita, New York City is probably on the low end of the laziness spectrum. I assume this because not everyone is morbidly obese, and not everyone looks like a thousand hornets stung their face. Regardless, there are still a lot of lazy people in New York City.

What kinds of lazy people? Well, that's what I’ve been getting at all along, you see...

The People Who Bring Their Bikes on the Subway
Always surly, always overly-defensive, these people are terrible. I think it’s safe to say ‘these guys’ because it’s never a female. They’re too busy getting their nails done and talking about puppies and S&M porn books written by fat and lonely cat ladies. Anyway, the guy with the bike on the subway is always some dickhead wearing a dickhead biking outfit who is grinding his dog-shit smeared tires against your face. And then he is mad when you ask him to step aside so you can hurry along to that job you adore so much. Well, I’m so sorry to have inconvenienced you, Mr. Bike Rider on the subway. I didn’t realize you were part of the 99% Occupy the Subway car with your Huffy (I have no idea if Huffy is even in business. If so, you’re welcome for the free publicity, PR team. Send me a black one with front pegs please thank you). Oh cool, look, you have a Ramones bumper sticker wrapped around the handlebars, wow, so cool. Did you ride your little 10-speed to CBGB’s 20 years ago and get that sticker? I bet you did. I bet you rode your bike there back then because you’re so old and you suck and back then New York City was even dirtier and the people who lived here were shittier according to every single 80’s movie ever written. Fuck you and fuck your bumper sticker and please ride your bike on the street because the subways are overcrowded and I already have to deal with crazy drunks and drug addicts and panhandlers singing terrible renditions of songs sung by The Supremes 60 years ago. Maybe you and the singers can team up and sing songs by The Ramones and you can go fucking die somewhere? Awesome, and thank you very much for being so understanding.

Escalator 'Riders'
Escalators aren’t rides. Everyone laughs and laughs at me when I say this at work, but I am serious. They are for walking. As the best comic ever once said, :"escalators are never broke, they just turn into stairs." Fucking-A right, Mr. Mitch Hedberg. I hope Jesus is treating you well up there in cloud city. Wish you weren’t dead because you would probably be very popular right now and that would be great. So yeah, escalators. You walk onto them and your momentum combined with science and electricity helps you get up to the top faster. And don’t give me the old: "I’m elderly and cold" mumbo-jumbo. There are elevators for you, pops. So you wait for those elevators and you shut up. Do you want to be put into The Home? I’ll take you to The Home right now if you make one more comment about the elevators taking too long.

Also, am I so callous to think that Six Flags is a luxury many Americans did not enjoy while growing up? It’s hard to believe this, because I feel like we used to go to Six Flags with like 500 Coke cans and we would get in for free? And judging by how enormously fat this country is, there is no shortage of Coke cans lying around, guys, I can promise you that. So go ahead and grab a bunch of those cans and you can hop on a real ride like the Kingda Ka and stop wasting your time waiting in line to ride the fucking escalator. I HAVE TO GET TO POTBELLY FOR MY SANDWICH BEFORE THE LINE GETS TOO LONG!!

Only Cash No EZ Pass
Look, yeah, I know, nothing is fun about signing up for things online. You think it’s going to be easy, and then you go on a website, and five minutes into the process you abandon all hope because the site is terrible and asking you for so much information. Signing up for things just ain’t what it used to be. Actually, this might be a false statement because my mom used to do all my 'signing up for things', so haha, I don’t even know what I’m talking about! But what I am talking about is EZ Pass. Holy shit, everyone who doesn’t have it, just take the fucking ten minutes and sign up for it. It’s seriously going to change your life. It will literally shave hours off your daily commute and vacation travel. And don’t give me that "Big Brother is keeping tabs on me" bullshit. I can assure you, no one, and I mean literally NO ONE cares what you’re doing. If you’re going to Hunts Point to pick up five hookers so you can play 3 on 3 naked basketball or something fucking insane like that, no one cares. If you’re driving out to Nassau Coliseum to see Whitesnake, no one cares. Actually, maybe I care a little, because you're an adult and you need to grow up and stop trying to relive stuff that happened almost 30 years ago. But I will guarantee no one else really cares. So, unless you are training for Jihad or murdering escorts and burying them in Robert Moses Park, no one gives a flying fuck what you’re doing. Sign up for EZ Pass and stop blocking the goddamn EZ Pass line with your stupid Hyundai Elantra.