WE MUST CONSERVE POWER TODAY

It is hot outside today. Summer is hot and I understand that "hot" is part of a seasonal climate. But I’m not here to talk about heat -- I’ll leave that up to your mom to talk about on Facebook with that guy who you used to buy weed from in middle school. Don't you love Facebook? SOCIAL NETWORKING!

So yeah, it’s hot outside and everything is melting and everyone is angry due to society telling us that, because 200 years ago we as a species did not have the ability to create synthetic materials and everyone wore goddamn wool coats in August, we are supposed to wear long pants and long shirts and suffocating socks and curtsey and act like gentlemen all day long. Heaven forbid we wore a shirt without a collar, because that would be like wearing a leather jacket with a big swastika bedazzled on it, correct? Right. So anyway, my main problem with heat waves is not the heat specifically, it’s the dumb things people and companies do to “battle” it.

For instance – power conservation. WE ARE CONSERVING POWER TODAY, MEN, NO ESCALATORS. OR LIGHTS. OR TALKING. Because it’s not like we have the fucking escalators and lights and air conditioning running all day everyday on a normal day when it is not unbearably hot outside, right? Oh wait, we do. So I guess that is why the POWER CONSERVATION logic evades me. Probably also explains why I’m not President of the building I work in? Or New York City? I don’t like to conserve anything. Leave the conserving to Ranger Rick over there. I like to use my AC all the time at full blast. If most of America is allowed to over-eat and stuff their fat heads with Whopper Jr’s, then I am allowed to use the air conditioning every single day. EVEN  STEVEN.

Now, yes, I get it, the complicated lattice that is New York City's power grid might collapse should we run the air conditioners too high and turn the lights on. Just kidding. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why the lights are off. Is it because there is a secret collection of one million people who ONLY use their air conditioning during extreme heat waves, and every other normal night they suffer through sleeping in their own sweat and grime and fanning themselves with TV Guide? I assume these people still receive TV Guide in the mail because they are archaic and ridiculous balled into one perfect little bundle of shit. Is this why we have to be careful not to use our AC today? Because of the weirdo tribe of sweaty TV Guide subscribers? Well let me be the first to say, fuck them. Tell them to start cranking the AC all day everyday so we can get the proper juice flowing, know what I mean?

IN CONCLUSION, MR. PRESIDENT, if the temperature is 100 degrees Fahrenheit, and because this is Manhattan and there is literally nowhere to seek natural shelter like unpolluted water or shady foliage that isn’t already claimed by homeless vigilantes, then I believe we should just run every cooling agent at full blast and see what happens. Why not? Worst case scenario, brownouts, riots, murders, home invasions, Son of Sam comes back from the dead and Spike Lee makes another terrible movie about it. But even the worst case scenario will lead to the inevitable banding together of society and us taking back the night from those punks! And then there's best case scenario -- everyone is super-cool and comfortable all day long and I am not angry about having to wear socks. In business jargon, we call this a “win-win.” Look it up.