FALL IS HERE

Fall is within spitting distance, and my oh my do I love the fall. Because fall means the end of 98 degree days with a humidity index of 5,000, no more Facebook photos of your goddamn sandy knees in the foreground and an unnamed ocean in the background with the caption “paradise” even though you are probably at fucking Jones Beach, and no more showering six times a day because god-forbid New York VENTILATES ITS PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION STATIONS. But mostly, I love fall because it inspires Summer Lovers to moan about their beloved season being over. Even people in California, who live in a magical land filled with adorable faces and convertibles and kale salads that fall from the sky, have the audacity to complain about summer ending even though it’s 72 degrees and sunny every single day of the year.

Well, newsflash, America, get over it, because summer is DEAD. Look at it over there, lying face down in a puddle of Bud Light Lime-A-Ritas and Banana Boat sunscreen. It just looks so used.

To most people, the fall is the Jim Belushi of seasons. It’s not terrible, but it will never be mistaken for its much more formidable and talented older brother. (I don't know who of the Belushi clan represents spring and winter seasons, because I'm not intelligent enough to flesh out a full calendar year of Belushi metaphors. Maybe Mom Belushi and Dad Belushi? Did they have any other siblings? Was there an Eddie Belushi? Okay, Eddie can be winter). But, it just so happens that I loved Mr. Destiny, and I loved The Principal and, surprise surprise, I love fall.

We, as a spoiled and fat and rotten society, tend to believe that once Labor Day hits, life will fall into a morose state of unending monotony. This is not true. First and foremost, let’s not forget about Global Warming. It’s like 65 degrees in December in the Northeast. So if you don’t find this paralyzingly terrifying, then at least you have that to look forward too. But if that doesn’t tickle your fancy, here are ten other things that you can enjoy more during the fall than you will during the summer.

Football
As a Jets fan, I am less excited about the prospect of watching football every Sunday, mainly because I know that in two months I will want to use Mike Tannenbaum’s skull as a toilet. But still, football is back, and that gives me one more sport to watch that isn’t hockey or basketball, which is just dandy. The only thing the summer gives you in the football department is preseason football, which provides the same satisfaction and excitement as drinking room temperature water.


Tailgating
Tailgating in the summer sucks. Anyone who thinks it’s fun to stand in a parking lot while the baking pavement melts your shoes and your brain is a masochist and probably rubs habanero peppers all over his/her crotch. In the fall it’s both cool and sunny at the same time which is awesome. Also, you won’t get heat stroke from standing over a charcoal grill.


Staying Indoors
Admit it, sometimes you like to be spend obscene amounts of time indoors, only summertime guilt won’t allow you to. But being indoors is great, so why deny yourself the pleasure? Indoors has climate control and TV and the internet. Just because it's not raining does not mean every day of leisure needs to be a Robert Frost poem.


Going Outside
Okay, so if you insist on going outside, you can go now. The weather is cool and the air smells like burning leaves and you won’t feel like you’re being tortured just to go to the park for five minutes. In the summer, most people are just PRETENDING to enjoy the hot humid weather because they think everyone else is enjoying it. In reality, everyone is wondering if their armpits smell (they do) and wishing they were inside where there are cold drinks and "Breaking Bad." Fall is the perfect time to go out and enjoy the sun without dropping dead.

Spend Some Quality Time at the Bar
What better way is there to spend a day inside OR outside than at a bar! It’s both pleasantly cool and acceptable to be hunkered down in a dark place with a bunch of drunks because there are sports to watch and, well, those nine pitchers of beer aren’t going to drink themselves. You go ahead and spend your time whining about summer being over while I am busy over here shooting darts and laughing and betting on college football even though I know nothing about any of the teams. How does Penn State look this year? I bet Joe Pa is really pumped for another year at the helm!

Hang out with your Dog at the Park
My dog has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with his tennis ball, and wants to play fetch all day long and doesn’t care about things like “exhaustion” and “skin cancer.” During the summer, playing fetch with him for 10 hours a day in the blazing hot sun isn’t very fun. It’s so hot and sticky and I get itchy from searching for the stupid ball in tall grass and then I have rashes and then my dog eats something he’s not supposed to eat and vomits. If you don’t own a dog, here is some top secret inside information: time and weather mean absolutely NOTHING to them. Dogs will spend 21 hours running after a flashlight orb. But it's fall now and I don't care anymore, so let's go exercise that "condition" of yours, champ.

Baseball Playoffs
If you complain about baseball being “boring” then you are a Communist. For Pete's sake it’s as American as Karate and French fries. But okay, sure, maybe a July game between the Astros and the Mets isn’t a heart-pounding affair, but did you even watch any of the playoffs last season? Jesus Christ, they were bananas! The Rangers were one strike away from winning their first World Series AND THEY BLEW IT. And then they blew it again the next night! And then Tony LaRussa won his third World Series title and got drunk and fell asleep in his car at a stoplight again. If you can’t appreciate that kind of drama, go back to eating boiled grass in Siberia, Ivan Denisovich.

Halloween Candy
If you have kids or nephews/nieces or just generally spend time with children (weird), then you will have easy and unmonitored access to piles and piles of candy. And I don’t know about you, but I prefer snack sized stuff. It’s obviously more nutritious (fact), and no one will know whether you've had three snack-sized Snickers or THIRTY, except for maybe the bathroom.

Pumpkin Patches
Do I like to pumpkin pick? Not really--most of the pumpkins I settle on have weird green bumps on them and end up rotting in two days. But pumpkin patches feature homemade donuts, and I would eat my own shoe for a dozen cider donuts. I once saw a fist fight between two moms over donuts at a pumpkin patch. And I thought it was totally justified. True story.

Driving in a Car
Getting into a car after it's been sitting in the sun for five hours is one of the most unpleasant experiences. Even if you've spent the afternoon in a nice, cool house, 50 gallons of sweat immediately pours from your body and you receive 3rd degree burns all over your hands and thighs from the stupid upholstery. Fall? Nope. Nice and cool. Why not take the old Cavalier for a spin? Maybe stop by the pumpkin patch for some donuts? The possibilities are endless because it's FALL IT'S SO GODDAMN PLEASANT!