Under no circumstances should you find yourself purchasing a briefcase that has wheels. In fact, there aren’t enough alternate planes of existence in the entirety of endless space to ever find one single instance where I will say, “Yes, you should put that briefcase on wheels.”
But, for the sake of argument, let's say you do you find yourself at that crossroads, contemplating whether or not you should buy a briefcase with wheels, do us all a favor and retire. Go fishing or something. Go play chess at the park or throw bread at the ducks or complain about the price of a pound of cauliflower to no one because you're the worst and you have no friends. Just please do not buy one of those goddamn rolling briefcases so you can roll over my toes and break them into a million pieces and ruin my goddamn day.
In case that rambling unstructured and unintelligible opening wasn't enough a reason to never buy a rolling briefcase, after the jump are five more reasons why you should never, ever own a rolling briefcase.
1. The Weight
Remember that episode of The Sopranos where Ralphie Cifaretto makes fun of Johnny Sac’s enormously fat wife? And when Johnny Sac finds out about it, he wants to kill Ralphie to defend her 'honor'? But then he accidentally discovers her sitting on the floor of their basement inhaling a secret stash of candy bars like some freak? What a great episode…sigh...memories. Anyway, my point is, the name of that episode was “The Weight.” And no, that also has no relevance to my point. But seriously, if your briefcase is so heavy that it can't be carried for more than five feet without giving you a hernia, then there is too much shit inside of it. Also, Johnny Sac wanting to defend his wife's honor by killing Ralphie was HILARIOUS, because, John, really? Really? Honor? She's 800 lbs, maybe a little ribbing will inspire her to lay off the secret hidden candy stash for five seconds.
2. You Are Weak
Prepare for the mugging of a lifetime! A New York City crime analysis shows that 98%* of people who use rolling briefcases are mugged repeatedly because using a rolling briefcase is similar to wearing a sandwich board that reads, “I can’t even do one single fucking pull-up, so don’t worry about me fighting back when you’re punching me in the face and then tearing my wallet and back pocket from my Dockers.”
3. Everyone in America Hates You
Seriously, you’re like the guy who takes the elevator up/down one floor. What? Where are you going? You’re going to Floor 4? Holy shit, dude, are you serious? This guy is serious! Well, now I know that whenever I see you I am going to have to wait another 10 whole seconds because your lazy-ass can’t struggle down a flight of stairs. And if anyone says, "Must be the local train" in this goddamn elevator, there is going to be a fight. One time I made a comment to this guy I used to work with who took the elevator one floor, both up and down. He said, and I quote, "I have gout, you dick." He was pissed. But maybe I'm missing something? Does gout mean you have no legs? No, it doesn't, so fuck him.
4. You Don't Even Know How It Works
Look, fine, I get it, you suck at life and you’re lazy and you need to roll your fucking Wall Street Journal and sweater around Grand Central while you text your stupid friend Jim about your golf handicap. But seriously, can you at least learn how to roll the goddamn thing correctly? As in, do not roll it next to your body like it’s a sidecar. And do not roll it in front of you so that you clip my heel, because I will turn around and tackle you down a flight of marble stairs. And most importantly, do not carry it and subsequently bang it into everyone's shins. You are a terrible person, and by the way, I think Jim is nailing your wife.
5. I Now Feel Bad while Rolling my Suitcase
I am a stupid asshole who will risk throwing his back out to carry my suitcase around instead of rolling them. And my suitcase sometimes weighs upwards of 50 pounds(!). Yeah, I know, impressive (kisses biceps). So when I do have to roll my suitcase, I feel like a dick, because of all you briefcase rollers. Your shit weighs about five pounds, and here I am carrying around a 50 lb bag of useless t-shirts and hoodies because I feel like people are giving me the same death stare I give you when you roll your weak-ass briefcase around. What are you too lazy to act like a man and hurt yourself for the sake of self-image-preservation? Pssshhh, what a loser.
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1 comments:
I work in a building with tile hallways because it isa medical facility...all day long the rolling brigades go by more door..thump thump thump along the tiles....I wish they were outlawed. Almost as bad as loosing a tooth to a backpack on a plane when it is loading...
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