HEROIN IS SAFER THAN FANTASY SPORTS - SAYS FDA

I had my two fantasy baseball drafts in the last week or so. I feel like I am coming down of a serious glue-huffing high.Read More.

I AM AN AMERICAN AND I DESERVE A BUCKET OF SODA

I like to drink my soda out of a hollowed out Watermelon. And that's okay.Read More.

APPLE SUCKS

If Apple were cult sponsored Kool Aid it would probably fail to kill anyone. And then you would have to bring it to the Apple store and some dip-shit named Taylor would throw some strychnine in it and charge you $400.Read More.

DANCE FADS ARE NOT FUNNY

Dance fads are about as funny as the time your Aunt Belinda crashed her car into the Shop Rite storefront and was in shock trauma for 12 weeks.Read More.

NOBODY NEEDS AN "ENTOURAGE THE MOVIE"

Entourage sucks. Making a movie out of something that sucks is grounds for public lashing.Read More.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Hate Parade: Being Unaware


If you haven't noticed already (and that's very possible seeing that you failed to recognize my new dope haircut last week, assholes) it's the holiday season here in America, home of the free. And as is tradition with the holiday season, it's time to import lots and lots of oblivious people into an already overcrowded city so they can meander through their days like children entering the enchanted land of Oz. Only this is not Oz. It's Manhattan. And we all have shit to do, morons, so please stop being so fucking obtuse and get your shit together. Maybe people get like this around the holidays because of all the heroin Starbucks is putting into their coffee? Good thing I don't drink Starbucks, because it sucks. Put my own milk and sugar in my coffee? What am I, a PEASANT?

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Morning Playlist: Middle Brother - Blue Eyes

Monday, December 5, 2011

Hate Parade: Lunchtime Food Critics


This is America, right? And as Americans, we have the right to pursue whatever it is that makes us happy. Maybe you like to paint portraits of homeless people eating bell peppers? Well guess what? Paint away! Maybe you like to dress up as Marilyn Monroe and teach kick-boxing classes? Again, have at it! I am in full support of the general population's crazy taste for doing/enjoying weird shit. There's a reason why 200+ years ago a bunch of wig-wearing slave-owners shot each other in the face with muskets from nine feet away and then hacked off their limbs to survive another ten years only to die by scurvy or something equally as horrible - so we can have the right to do all this crazy shit and not give a fuck about one another! USA USA USA!

But one thing I am not in favor of is when people's interests infringe on my God-given right to not fucking want to hear or care about your opinion on anything, ever. Especially food. Even more especially (real thing): lunch food. Lunch is great. I love lunch. I like to each my lunch and read stuff on the internet. I sometimes eat really slow so I can read a lot of articles and giggle and clap my hands while I think about how much fun I am having. I eat and sing in my head and really enjoy my lunch, and this happens mostly when I'M LEFT THE FUCK ALONE.

Amazon Review: Waddell Display Case

Friday, December 2, 2011

Morning Playlist: J.Cole - Rise & Shine

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Morning Playlist: The Black Keys - Everlasting Light