HEROIN IS SAFER THAN FANTASY SPORTS - SAYS FDA*

I have never used heroin nor will I ever use heroin. Well, I guess I really can’t say I’ll NEVER use heroin – life is, after all, a series of ups and downs and ins and outs and you really never know where you’re going to end up. One day I could be here, at my computer desk changing the world with my indelible prose, and tomorrow I could be panhandling outside Yankee Stadium, selling fake plastic roses to terrified tourists so I can go buy a couple...

Read More

I AM AN AMERICAN AND I DESERVE A BUCKET OF SODA

First they take away our soda and then they take away our freedom. What's next - our right to own M-4's with infrared scopes and grenade launchers? How else am I going to hunt deer? With a bow and arrow? Who am I, Robin Hood? If we don't stop this right now, next week we'll all be starving to death on bread lines and speaking Arabic! Obviously, I am being facetious. Obviously, everything is going to be just fine. It's just giant sodas that we...

Read More

APPLE SUCKS

Guys, we need to talk. Seriously. This is serious shit we need to talk about. Go get your mother and close the door. Ready? You need to stop convincing yourself Apple products are great. They’re not great. They are shit. They are poorly designed pieces of shit created to confirm that we are all just foolish sheep who will do as they are told. In this case – buy shitty and unreliable tech products because they are round and have a sleek, minimalist...

Read More