NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS ARE STUPID

Well, it's New Year's Eve again. Tomorrow means it's time to switch into Go-Getter mode and swear to quit doing something that you love or do more of something that you hate. You like McDonald's? Better make a New Year's Resolution to stop eating it FOREVER. Do you hate to exercise? Time to drop a $300 initiation fee at the gym and vow to go ten times a week. Do you like TV? Social media says you must throw your TV out the window and hope it doesn't...

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BEING A FAN OF THE NEW YORK JETS SUCKS

Look at this photo. Just look at it. That’s me. I was probably six or seven-years-old when it was taken. Just a bright-eyed little shit with a weakness for Taiwanese-knockoff sports memorabilia and an adorable amount of love for the New York Jets. Little did I know that Mark Gastineau’s sweet mullet and Wesley Walker’s cool glasses and Freeman McNeil’s everyman work ethic wouldn’t be around forever, and that the team I had fallen unequivocally...

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CHRIS BROWN NEEDS TO GO

The other night I was downloading music to make my wife a CD because I am the best husband in the whole world, and while many-a-ladies husbands are out buying diamonds and Mercedes and luggage made of emeralds, I am making awesome mix-tapes for my woman so she can have some fresh beats to groove to, so take that. But while I was putting together the mix-tape, I kept running into trouble, mainly because the music I listen to is either depressing...

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STACCATO HATE - 12.6.12

THE CHRISTMAS ALBUM MARKET IS FLOODED Not everyone deserves to sing Christmas songs and have them played in Target over the loudspeaker. Sinatra: Obvs. Every idiot who ever appeared on American Idol: take a hike. Maybe I'm biased over who can and cannot record an album (I’m sure Johnny Mathis probably punched a hooker or two in his lifetime, and I know Dean Martin probably choked a few minority elevator operators in his day) but still, how...

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