NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS ARE STUPID

Well, it's New Year's Eve again. Tomorrow means it's time to switch into Go-Getter mode and swear to quit doing something that you love or do more of something that you hate. You like McDonald's? Better make a New Year's Resolution to stop eating it FOREVER. Do you hate to exercise? Time to drop a $300 initiation fee at the gym and vow to go ten times a week. Do you like TV? Social media says you must throw your TV out the window and hope it doesn't...

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BEING A FAN OF THE NEW YORK JETS SUCKS

Look at this photo. Just look at it. That’s me. I was probably six or seven-years-old when it was taken. Just a bright-eyed little shit with a weakness for Taiwanese-knockoff sports memorabilia and an adorable amount of love for the New York Jets. Little did I know that Mark Gastineau’s sweet mullet and Wesley Walker’s cool glasses and Freeman McNeil’s everyman work ethic wouldn’t be around forever, and that the team I had fallen unequivocally...

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CHRIS BROWN NEEDS TO GO

The other night I was downloading music to make my wife a CD because I am the best husband in the whole world, and while many-a-ladies husbands are out buying diamonds and Mercedes and luggage made of emeralds, I am making awesome mix-tapes for my woman so she can have some fresh beats to groove to, so take that. But while I was putting together the mix-tape, I kept running into trouble, mainly because the music I listen to is either depressing...

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STACCATO HATE - 12.6.12

THE CHRISTMAS ALBUM MARKET IS FLOODED Not everyone deserves to sing Christmas songs and have them played in Target over the loudspeaker. Sinatra: Obvs. Every idiot who ever appeared on American Idol: take a hike. Maybe I'm biased over who can and cannot record an album (I’m sure Johnny Mathis probably punched a hooker or two in his lifetime, and I know Dean Martin probably choked a few minority elevator operators in his day) but still, how...

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STACCATO HATE - 11.9.12

‘Liking’ Hurricane Sandy Relief on Facebook What is this shit? Why are you asking me to ‘like’ something that someone else is doing other than you? Why are you sending me event to "help"? Why do we need a Facebook event? Have you done ANYTHING to help these poor bastards yet? What is so complicated about it? I donated money and sent clothes (accepts Nobel Peace Prize) and I still feel like a worthless piece of shit. But you, you and your fucking...

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MY RAMBLING THOUGHTS ON THE 2012 ELECTION

So today is Election Day, or at least that’s what the approximately 1,000 new governmental policy experts who have replaced my friends on Facebook tell me. And for the second time in eight years, I’m having a hard time buying into a candidate – this may have more to do with me being cynical than who I think would be the best Leader of the Free World – one guy has terrible hair and flip-flops positions more than Tom Cruise during a Turkish Bathhouse...

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THE RULES OF COMMUTING: PART I

Commuting in New York City is worse than any other city in the United States. I don't give a shit about the D.C. Beltway or the 405 in Los Angeles or "The Circle" in Chicago. Doesn't matter. At least you are sitting in your goddamn cars with your goddamn coffee listening to the goddamn radio. Do you even know what I would be willing to give up for the opportunity to drive into Manhattan every day? A lung. Seriously. Because if I knew at 21 years...

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