HEROIN IS SAFER THAN FANTASY SPORTS - SAYS FDA

I had my two fantasy baseball drafts in the last week or so. I feel like I am coming down of a serious glue-huffing high.Read More.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Sights

Walking down 5th Avenue today is like walking down the street in a different dimension where people walk really slow and wear weird clothes and rant about the bible and at the same time carry 4,000 shopping bags around. Wait, who shops in NYC, aside from Europeans? I was under the impression that we were still crawling out of a recession, not waltzing through an economic boom where people flock to Manhattan to spend extra...

Morning Playlist: Gang Starr

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Monday, December 19, 2011

The Paradigms, Episode 1: Miller's Crossing

I was probably ten or eleven-years-old when I first watched Miller's Crossing. I didn't know who Gabriel Byrne was and I sure as shit didn't know who Albert Finney was. And Marcia Gay Hayden? What are you talking about? Who wants to play GI Joe? Fuck yes, Iet's go play right this second while this weirdo over here talks about Martin Gay Harrison or whoever. Anyway, the point is, the cast of MC movie didn't matter to me. The movie subject alone was...

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Rehash

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Monday, December 12, 2011

Hate Parade: Alec Baldwin Sucks

Alec Baldwin is a fucking asshole. All of you who think he's great and wonderful and want to high-five him for getting into a confrontation with an American Airlines flight attendant over not switching off his iPad can go fucking shoot yourselves in the face with a cannon. Seriously, imagine if you were on the plane for this carnival? Imagine your fucking life was delayed because Alec-fucking-Baldwin refused to turn off his goddamn iPad? Just thinking...

Morning Playlist: Nice & Smooth - No Delayin

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Friday, December 9, 2011

Morning Playlist: Kings of Leon - Day Old Blues

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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Hate Parade: Being Unaware

If you haven't noticed already (and that's very possible seeing that you failed to recognize my new dope haircut last week, assholes) it's the holiday season here in America, home of the free. And as is tradition with the holiday season, it's time to import lots and lots of oblivious people into an already overcrowded city so they can meander through their days like children entering the enchanted land of Oz. Only this is not Oz. It's Manhattan....

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Morning Playlist: Middle Brother - Blue Eyes

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Monday, December 5, 2011

Hate Parade: Lunchtime Food Critics

This is America, right? And as Americans, we have the right to pursue whatever it is that makes us happy. Maybe you like to paint portraits of homeless people eating bell peppers? Well guess what? Paint away! Maybe you like to dress up as Marilyn Monroe and teach kick-boxing classes? Again, have at it! I am in full support of the general population's crazy taste for doing/enjoying weird shit. There's a reason why 200+ years ago a bunch of wig-wearing...

Amazon Review: Waddell Display Case

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Friday, December 2, 2011

Morning Playlist: J.Cole - Rise & Shine

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Thursday, December 1, 2011

Amazon Review: Blackglama Mink Floppy Oversize Hat

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Morning Playlist: The Black Keys - Everlasting Light

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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Rehash

Even though this clip makes me miss "The Sopranos" a whole lot, I can still watch this scene on a constant loop for ten hours straig...

I HATE THE ROCKEFELLER CENTER TREE LIGHTING

Tonight, thousands of people will flock to Rockefeller Center to watch some asshole flip a switch that ignites a bunch of Walgeens string lights. Everyone will clap and cheer and maybe cry, and I will be fighting my way home through the crush wishing someone would shout "STAMPEDE" so it would all end a little quicker. What can I say besides I hate this day so much because it's horrible and stupid. And I think I speak for everyone who works in...

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Morning Playlist: White Lies - Death

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Monday, November 28, 2011

Hate Parade - Bad Meeting Places

This picture has nothing to do with my rant, but I just love it so much I felt it needed to be here. This morning I spent half of my commute wishing I had a time machine so I could go back in time to last Thursday and pour mashed potatoes and gravy all over my hair and face (again), and the other half wishing everyone would stop fucking complaining about how much they ate on Thanksgiving, and just be thankful that they had food to eat and didn't...

Amazon Review: Purdey Wool Shooter Vest

I like to write reviews for stupid shit being sold on Amazon. I don't have a real reason why I do this, it's just something I do. Like eating radishes. Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago. Link to my Amazon Rev...

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Best Kind of Turkey In between shoveling mouthfuls of food down your throat and bad-mouthing your Uncle for having another Jack on the rocks minus the rocks - hopefully you will take a few minutes to look around at your surroundings and just be thankful. Thankful you are not living in a hut in Peru that is buried underneath nine feet of mud. Thankful you are not living in the Sudan eating dirt for dinner and dodging the refrigerators rebels...

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Amazon Review - Competition Mannequin Head

I like to write reviews for stupid shit being sold on Amazon. I don't have a real reason why I do this, it's just something I do. Like eating radishes. Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago. Link To My Review...

Morning Playlist: De La Soul - Sunshine

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Monday, November 21, 2011

Hate Parade - Exotic Animal Owners

Charla Nash was on The TODAY Show this morning. Never heard of her? Well, DO NOT GOOGLE HER. I'm not kidding - your eyes will be violated in a way that you will never be able to recover from. Trust me, I know from experience. You see, I have the willpower of a three-year-old, and I Google everything that people tell me to NEVER to Google. Then, after I finish hating myself, I tell everyone around me that I Googled something repulsive, and subsequently...

Morning Playlist: Clipse - Mr. Me Too

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Friday, November 18, 2011

Morning Playlist: Big L - Put It On

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Thursday, November 17, 2011

Hate Parade: Shoeless Joe A*shole

People perform some disgusting acts while riding New York City's public transportation system. But who can blame them? Well, since you asked, I guess I can. I can blame them, actually. That's sort of what I'm doing here - blaming these people for being savages. Because seriously, who hasn't seen someone eating, drinking, smoking, crying, cutting their toenails, eating more food, singing, picking their nose, talking on the phone to someone who I...

Morning Playlist: Erick Sermon Feat. Redman - React

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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Hate Parade - Plastic Packages of Death

A few weeks ago, I went on a trip. HOW EXCITING! In our absence, my wife decided she would like to have our lights put on timers to fool all of the bad guys who are trying to rob our house and steal my Playstation 3 (obvs). I asked her if she had ever heard of a little movie called "Home Alone" because, if the Wet Bandits could figure out that houses are on timers and an entire fucking neighborhood went on vacation all at once, then I assume any...

Amazon Review - MilSimX M4 Assault Rifle

I like to write reviews for stupid shit being sold on Amazon. I don't have a real reason why I do this, it's just something I do. Like eating radishes. Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago. Link To My Amazon Rev...

Morning Playlist: Jeru The Damaja - One Day

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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Morning Playlist: Beck - Go It Alone

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Monday, November 14, 2011

Amazon Review - Swiss Rail Journey 1 [VHS]

I like to write reviews for stupid shit being sold on Amazon. I don't have a real reason why I do this, it's just something I do. Like eating radishes. Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago. Link to My Amazon Rev...

Rewind: Continuing Controversy

Over a year ago, I wrote a Hate Parade article about how much I hate pickup trucks. For some reason, this article generated the most hate-induced comments from people. And they are still coming in. How/Why people are reading this article, I have no idea. It's not like I have some loyal following of people who give a shit what I write. But I guess I touched a nerve when I decided to bash pickups. My favorite part of the comments is how one guy thinks I am trying to "rid America" of pickups. Wait, what? I'm flattered you think anyone besides my wife...

Morning Playlist

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Friday, November 11, 2011

Morning Playlist: Breathe Carolina - Blackout

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Thursday, November 10, 2011

I Hate FML

I hate the acronym FML. I hated it when it first became popular. I hated it when people adopted it as a way to state the obvious or be ironic or whatever. And I hate it even more now that it's old and stupid and cliche and been beaten into the ground like a dead horse up shits creek without a pot to piss in avoid it like the plague strong as an ox blah blah blah. Fuck FML....

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Morning Playlist: Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros - 40 Day Dream

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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I Hate Your Feigned Shock at Holiday Music

It's officially the Holiday Season™, Ladies and Gentlemen! Time to start buying tons of shit your friends and family don't need so you can put a monetary value on how much you care about them. Lots and lots of fun to watch the fear and panic in shopper's eyes as they barrel around Macy's at the eleventh hour looking for a belt for their stupid nephew. Here's a piece of advice, lady, your nephew doesn't need a belt. What he needs is a nice fucking...

Friday, November 4, 2011

Amazon Review - Velcro Shearling Dog Coat

I like to write reviews for stupid shit being sold on Amazon. I don't have a real reason why I do this, it's just something I do. Like eating radishes. Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago. Link to Amazon Rev...

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I Hate You, Metro North

For almost a eighteen months now, I've wanted to write about how much I hate Metro North. Every morning I wake up, am inevitably delayed/angered by my commute, and want to start pounding out a 9,000 word essay on how much Metro North fucking sucks. But most days I would just sit there, staring at a blank screen, because trying to formulate a rant on how much I hate Metro North is like trying to formulate a rant on how much I hate all of my least...

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Trailer Trash - American Pie Reunion

(Link to Trailer) The original American Pie was released in theaters a little over twelve years ago. Feel old? I know I do. I remember when it came out and everyone went bat-shit over how hysterically funny it was and declared it the official comedy of Generation Y, and they held a ceremony in Washington DC to commemorate the occasion. At least that's what I was told by former President Bill Clinton yesterday. Personally, I was never a huge fan of...

Monday, October 31, 2011

I Hate Sick People in Public

Everyone is sick around me. On the train, on the street, in the office. Sneezing, coughing, vomiting blood (I assume). It's horrible. And yet, here they are, at work, tapping away on their computer. Why? Why are you spraying germs all over yourself and your coworkers? Would you come to work if you knew you had the Ebola Virus? "Hey guys, don't mind me, my limbs are falling off and I am going to die in five hours, but I need to shoot off a couple...

Friday, October 28, 2011

Amazon Review - Herbal Daily Cleansing Shampoo

I like to write reviews for stupid shit being sold on Amazon. I don't have a real reason why I do this, it's just something I do. Like eating radishes. Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago. Click Here to Read My Rev...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I Hate Halloween Bar Parties

(Photo Via Here) Halloween Bar Parties are the bastard child of New Year's Eve Bar Parties. While New Year's Eve at a bar is literally insufferable - Ohhhhh, I get it, appetizers means nine cold buffalo wings and rubber vegetables and ranch dip that's now orange because some asshole decided to dunk his wing directly into the dip holder - at least Halloween can be somewhat tolerable for five seconds because you will probably see one or two clever...

Trailer Review - Chronicle

(Trailer Link) I never got into "Heroes" for several different reasons. One, I don't like movies or shows about teenagers. My wife watches Gossip Girl and aside from that one asshole who always looks like he's constipated, the rest of those kids look like they fell off the goddamn Calvin Klein runway. Same goes for the new "90210." Goddammit, Michael from "The Wire", you went from Omar's replacement to this little whining bitch? Am I on drugs?...

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Amazon Review - Presidential Executive Chair

I like to write reviews for stupid shit being sold on Amazon. I don't have a real reason why I do this, it's just something I do. Like eating radishes. Anyway, I will link a few of them here from time-to-time. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being weirder than you originally thought five minutes ago. Click Here For My Rev...

Rehash

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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Trailer Review - Tink, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

I am a firm believer in a self-created theory that you can judge how good a movie will be based on its trailers. This series is dedicated to helping you, Mr. & Mrs. Movie-goer, decide which movies are worth your time and which movies should be shoveled into the furnace. Let me start by saying that I'm not a huge fan of political thrillers because I'm way too apathetic toward government and espionage to give a flying fuck. So right off the...

Friday, October 21, 2011

I Hate Cablevision

It's not revolutionary to hate your cable provider. It's actually very cliche. Next up is a rant about airline food! Oh who am I kidding, I love airline food. But I tend to embrace cliches because I really don't give a shit. So, read on if you feel like absorbing a bitch-fest to the highest slap-fighting, hair-pulling degree....

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I Hate Littering

I don't know what it is about my lawn, but for some reason, it's like a magnet for garbage. I'm sure living near a main road doesn't help, but it almost seems like half the city's trash ends up sprayed across my crab grass, and goddamn it, I work hard to not tend to my crab grass...

Trailer Review - Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

I am a firm believer in a self-created theory that you can judge how good a movie will be based on its trailers. This series is dedicated to helping you, Mr. & Mrs. Movie-goer, decide which movies are worth your time and which movies should be shoveled into the furnace. I didn't see the first Sherlock Holmes movie. I didn't have to. I watched the trailer on Youtube and decided my time was better spent staring at some leaves. Anyway,...