I HOPE GREEN TREE HOME LOANS GETS SUCKED INTO A BLACK HOLE

Dear Lying Assholes-- Why has my mortgage payment not been processed yet??? The horrible customer service representative that I spoke to last Monday told me the payment would be proceeded NO LATER THAN 7.5.13. So not only was she an awful human being, but she also lied. I don't expect a response from you because your customer service is terrible, but I am planning to log complaints with the BBB if this continues to happen. I have a lot of free time, and I plan on making as many complaints as I see fit. Maybe it will solve nothing, but it will...

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HEROIN IS SAFER THAN FANTASY SPORTS - SAYS FDA*

I have never used heroin nor will I ever use heroin. Well, I guess I really can’t say I’ll NEVER use heroin – life is, after all, a series of ups and downs and ins and outs and you really never know where you’re going to end up. One day I could be here, at my computer desk changing the world with my indelible prose, and tomorrow I could be panhandling outside Yankee Stadium, selling fake plastic roses to terrified tourists so I can go buy a couple...

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I AM AN AMERICAN AND I DESERVE A BUCKET OF SODA

First they take away our soda and then they take away our freedom. What's next - our right to own M-4's with infrared scopes and grenade launchers? How else am I going to hunt deer? With a bow and arrow? Who am I, Robin Hood? If we don't stop this right now, next week we'll all be starving to death on bread lines and speaking Arabic! Obviously, I am being facetious. Obviously, everything is going to be just fine. It's just giant sodas that we...

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APPLE SUCKS

Guys, we need to talk. Seriously. This is serious shit we need to talk about. Go get your mother and close the door. Ready? You need to stop convincing yourself Apple products are great. They’re not great. They are shit. They are poorly designed pieces of shit created to confirm that we are all just foolish sheep who will do as they are told. In this case – buy shitty and unreliable tech products because they are round and have a sleek, minimalist...

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DANCE FADS ARE NOT FUNNY

Dance fads are fucking stupid. There is no way to convince me otherwise. When I got married, the one thing I refused to allow was The Chicken Dance, or the Electric Slide, or anything where people are encouraged to follow the direction of some glorified lounge singer. And my wife agreed with me, because she is not a loser who wants to turn every event into a shitty Broadway Production executed by a bunch of drunks. Drunk dancing is funny enough,...

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NOBOBY NEEDS "ENTOURAGE: THE MOVIE"

Earlier this week, Warner Brothers gave Entourage: Tequila Shots Bros and Hot Ass (I assume this will be the movie’s title) a green light to start production. So yeah, that’s fun, I couldn’t be happier that the world didn’t end when it was supposed to and now we can enjoy this amazing work of art that will no doubt be a critical and box office success. Oh wait, just kidding. Entourage is fucking terrible. It’s thirty minutes of People Magazine being...

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SICK PEOPLE STAY HOME

Everyone is sick around me. On the train, in the streets, in the office. Sneezing, coughing, vomiting blood in the bathroom (I assume). It's horrible. And yet, here they are, at work, tapping away on their computer. Why? Why are you spraying germs all over yourself and your coworkers? Would you come to work if you knew you had the Ebola Virus? "Hey guys, don't mind me, my limbs are falling off and I am going to die in five hours, but I need to...

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